Still At Home

It’s now been a week since I was in my supposed new home down South.

I came back last Friday because I had some work back here. That plan worked out nicely, and I have had several things that have earned me some money. That’s more that can be said for life in my accommodation.

But now I’m in this position where I’m starting to think, well, should I go back at all. Of course, it’s a silly thing to say, because I have to go back. After all, I’m handing over the best part of £600 a month just for the place and all the bills, and I’m not even there.

But if I had the choice right now, I would choose not to bother. Firstly, I’ve grown to doubt the business proposition, largely because I believe I’ve been led up the garden path by my housemate. He assured me that he would be able to get enough work from his web design angle, but nothing has materialised. He also keeps raising my hopes that he may have found me some work via his extensive network of contacts, but it never actually appears. That is frustrating.

So I’m prepared to go it all on my own, and one day I will. When I finally get back down there and get things moving.

Another reason why I’m not impressed with life down there is my utter lack of social interaction. When I’m someone who struggles with this anyway, life has become a disaster if the only person I speak to in a day is my housemate. He’s OK, but is probably the world’s worst listener. I don’t feel comfortable discussing anything with him, as invariably the conversation turns back to his life and the wonderful things he’s achieved.

It might help if I had a working phone line, as that way I could keep in touch with life at home better. But the farce over the phone/internet installation is long and continuing. They still haven’t put the wires in outside the house, and if they haven’t before Tuesday it will mean further delay, as that’s when they’re supposed to be coming out to do it. Only they can’t do it if the preliminary work hasn’t been done outside the house.

Next, there is the general logistical problem with travel. If I really am going to come home every two weeks, the bills are going to be large. But not only is the cost high, but the problem of the travel itself is a nightmare. At both ends, the houses are 20 minutes walk from the station. 20 minutes carrying a heavy bag and a laptop. Then a hellish 4.5 hour journey. Crazy. I wish I’d thought of it more before I agreed to the move.

Finally, there is just the general cost of living down there. At least while I’m here, sponging off my parents again, I’m not having to pay anything to live. Not ideal. But it’s better than the large sums of money I seemed to be handing over all the time for my food in the new house. Sharing the shopping bills appears to be a loser for me, as my housemate eats far more than I do, and has terrible habits of buying things that he’s never going to use just because they’re on offer. Which in turn go in the bin.

There are many problems in my life at the moment, and I have no real clue how I’m going to solve them.

Same as it ever was, it seems.

Departure

This one is going to be a little different.

This time, I’m going, while my parents are staying here.

On all previous occasions, they have taken me to my new place of living, helped me get setup, and then left, leaving the final goodbye on the doorstep of the new place.

But now… today… I’m being picked up by my soon-to-be new housemate. He’s arriving in a van, which will be loaded up over an agonising period of a couple of hours, and then we’ll be off.

I like travel. To me, as much a part of a holiday or any adventure is the journey to it (though the journey back is depressing). So I’m bizarrely looking forward to the many hours drive to my new house.

Note the use of the word house. I don’t know whether it will become my home yet. The jury will be out for some weeks, depending on whether I feel comfortable there.

But this is it. This is the genuine end of an era. Not like the many false dawns that came with other “leaving home” moments, when I’d move to Hull or London for university purposes. No. They were always done with the idea that, one day, I would be back… whether it would be for the holidays or permanently, as has been the case since June last year.

This time, though, I am moving out properly. Though there will remain some of my stuff here, because I don’t have the boxes to shift it, mostly I am going. My life is currently sitting in my old bedroom, waiting to be shipped out. And never to return.

Of course, material possessions are one thing. I know for a fact that I will be returning here. In fact, the ridiculous thing is that I will be back here next weekend. I have agreed to try to keep up one of the regular contract jobs I have here in the hope that it will lead to more work. Which is bizarre if I’m moving 200 miles away, I know… but if I can organise it properly, I will be able to come home fortnightly to work which pays for the journey, and maybe a little bit more. Making a profit from coming to see my family will be a beautiful double whammy!

That’s the plan. If it becomes inconvenient, it will be ditched. And on that point, I will sever all remaining reasons to travel home for anything other than Christmas.

So while I’m not fully leaving here forever, there is a very decent prospect that it will become that. Especially if, as I hope, the new business down in my new location takes off.

Before that, though, will be at least a month of settling down. I don’t really know what living with this person is truly going to be like either. It’s all a gamble on many fronts. I only hope I’m making the right choice.

But it’s too late now. Gotta roll with it. Gotta actually try and be a Real Adult, rather than sponging off my parents. That will be a big relief to me, and to them as well, I’m sure. Though I do more than my fair share around here. I wonder how they’re going to cope. The rest of the family are going to have to chip in a lot more than they normally do.

Anyway, it is time to sign off. Lots of things still to do till the move this afternoon.

Here goes nothing.

Holding Pattern

So I’ve spent the last week considering very carefully what my next move in life should be.

The problems outlined in my previous post still remain, and are no nearer to being solved. In fact, each day they go on drives me just a little bit more insane. Will I ever see my passport again? What a stupid bastard I was to hand it over in the first place.

But there has been a modicum of success business wise lately. Yes, I can’t believe it either. I’ve sold three PCs, all about the same time. How can this be? How can people suddenly arrive with requests for PCs all at the same time? Life is very weird. But all of these orders have now been fulfilled… with only minor farce resulting from the delayed arrival of one hard drive.

Then, as I fully expect, all will return to silence again. The phone will stop ringing. The e-mails will not arrive. All that will be left is just me. Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. As Jack Johnson sang. Good tune that.

Over the weekend just gone I had a meeting with a friend of mine. It was mostly to talk business… because he and I have big plans in formation. I’m fed up with life here. He’s fed up with his life. It just so happens that our talents and plans have co-incided for the first time in our lives. He’s been made redundant. I’ve been sitting around doing naff all for well over a year. Perfect!

We think we may be able to do my business and do it properly. Combining beautifully with his new media talents. Oh, and his ability to drive. And some new territory. Up North, no one really seems to care about computers. Down South… well, maybe it’s more likely to be the Land of Milk and Honey. And silicon.

This plan would involve me moving down South. Permanently. Well, permanently if it works. If it doesn’t work I’ll be back home by the time six months is up. But I’m prepared to take this gamble.

I’m starting to feel old. I’m starting to feel like my opportunities to take big gambles with my life are shrinking. I need to be doing something productive with my time, something that is genuinely going to be able to make me live a life. A life that’s actually worth living. Not like now.

Perhaps the stresses of having bills to pay and obligations will focus my mind, make me work harder at it. Because I know full well that I’ve not really given this my all. Partly through not being prepared to risk much. But also my lack of transportation and not wanting to put more upon my parents.

That’s another reason why I have to leave. I really must get out from under their feet. I’m no bother. I help out a lot. But I need to move on. They understand. I’m too big for the nest now.

Let’s just see what happens.

Fatherless Day

Today is Father’s Day. Normally a day for celebration and much eating of rich food in this house. Indeed, I would normally go and bake a soda bread, or perhaps some scones.

Not today. The reason is simple – work.

My dad doesn’t get a chance to do overtime all that often. In fact, it hardly ever happens. But finances are so tight in this house that when he does, he grabs the opportunity.

So, instead of this morning being a nice relaxing family gathering, with the gifting of cards and – for this year, anyway – some very good presents, instead the whole thing will have to be delayed till this evening.

Bit of a shame really – though I suppose I am fortunate that my dad will still be here anyway. Others, for whatever reason, have nothing to celebrate today.

Father’s Day is much lower in our society’s priorities. You can say what you like about anti-female sexism of the past, but, let’s face it, the Christian calendar on which Britain’s secular society is mostly based only has room for a Mothering Sunday, but not a male equivalent. We only invented Father’s day to bring in a bit of balance, but mostly to make some money for the greetings card business.

I also know this having worked in a card shop. Mother’s Day was almost as big as Christmas. Father’s Day was about half the size. That’s quite some signficant gap.

Is it because fathers are just objectively not as good as mothers? Or is it because there are fewer fathers worth praising? Knowing my dad, and knowing what a good one he is, I’d have to reject the former. But I think the latter must definitely be true. We hear so many stories about absent fathers that it feeds into a certain sense that not everyone has a dad worth bothering over.

Meanwhile, my dad is toiling away this morning in work, trying to earn our family some more money. Money that just gets spent on clothes, food, etc. He finds that extremely disheartening, when he looks at his online banking only to see the money just draining away. Occasionally he gets to put £50 in his savings account. Otherwise, it’s like a huge hole at the bottom of the bucket. Not so much a drip-drip, but a floody-floody.

But I appreciate it. One day I may even be able to earn enough money to contribute to living here (how many times have I said that?) so that he doesn’t feel the pinch so much. That would mean a lot, I know. It might also alleviate my guilty, scrounging conscience.

He does a lot for us, and asks for almost nothing in return. I don’t yet think my brothers and sister realise it. In truth, it’s one of those things I think you only come to appreciate by living away from home for a while; when you begin to appreciate the task of how to run an independent existence.

I’ll just have to make up for the lack of baking this morning by making some muffins later. I suspect he’ll enjoy that.

Thanks, Dad.

Axe The Family

In recent weeks, I’ve become increasingly despondent due to the relationship with my family. I know I love them really, but it’s just one of those things that really needs a bit of distance.

It’s not good to live with your close family all of the time. In the end, you just get frustrated with them. Their quirks, habits and annoying features all get under your skin. If I wasn’t living here, I wouldn’t be witnessing them on a daily, if not minutely basis.

The problems range from my younger sister who incessantly watches television, no matter how crap. From soaps to reality TV, from Hannah Montana to The Suite Life On Deck – no insipid dross is bad enough for her. It all just flows in. And then there’s the obsession with the Jonas Brothers, and her constant desire to talk about every last detail of what happened in school that day.

My brother in university is something of a joke. He should have gone away for uni, like I did. He’s trying to live his own life, trying to be different, except it’s being frustrated by living at home. Such a rebel. If he wanted to drink till all hours, come home whenever he feels like it and stay up all night watching shit on YouTube (or worse) then he should have found his own place. While he’s here, his anti-social behaviour is disrupting the rest of us.

Worse, it is a terrible example to my other brother. He’s still in school, but thinks he’s such a big, tough man. The language from him is absolutely disgusting, especially when he’s on the Xbox 360. I’ve never heard anyone filled with such bile, such bitterness, towards people he hasn’t even met. Stereotyping people on the stroke of a pen, my brother’s degenerate behaviour really has been something of a shock to me since I moved back home.

So, basically, I want out. My parents are OK, but they’re useless now. They’ve clearly given up on the rest of the family. There is no way that me or my older sister would have got away with the way this lot behave. And I recognise that my attitude towards life has become so down and negative simply because I’ve been the one having to tell my brothers and sister off if they do something wrong or inappropriate, as my parents just don’t seem to care any more, letting them get away with murder.

There’s just a slight problem with my master plan. No job. No money. Business is a disaster right now. Even if it wasn’t, I don’t have a reliable source of income. At any moment I could get work and then the work could dry up, and I’ll end up with nothing and still be left paying rent (because a mortgage is never going to happen).

So I’m stuck here for God knows how long. Stuck living with a family that I can’t tolerate for much longer. Depression is returning, I know that for sure, as I’ve been extremely down for more than a week now. I just wish someone would give me a break.

Houseson

In recent weeks it’s become very obvious to me that, as the job hunt continues to falter, I have taken on a new role in this household. My parents are out at work, my brother and sister are in school, and now even my other brother has a job and will be starting university shortly.

That leaves me here all day most of the time. Sure, I do the odd thing to get me out the house. But mostly I’m here. I do the washing up, I clean the kitchen and the bathroom, and I do the clothes washing too. Oh, and vacuum the house. Each day I do a combination of those things, helping the house keep ticking over. If I don’t do it, then it will be left to my parents (my siblings are useless), and they hardly get enough time to do anything in this house anyway. And that’s because my brothers and sister are always wanting taken places, to friends houses, and so my parents constantly act as a taxi service.

I don’t ever remember being that demanding when I was their age. But that’s probably because I was a bore. I did very little as a child. Never went anywhere. Never did anything. No wonder I’m so socially inept. But because of that I really didn’t ask for much at all.

For my mum and dad they don’t seem to get any peace. If it’s not the people living here then it’s my sister, who is extremely demanding on their time. And then it’s the rest of the family, who aren’t particularly helpful when it comes to looking after my grandparents.

So for me, and to alleviate my guilt for sponging off them for such a long time, I feel like I am at least making a contribution to the house by helping them out here. I know they appreciate it.

It puts a new perspective on the day though when you’re around here all the time. When you’re in work, the day generally seems to drag. When you’re here, it flies by. It is already mid morning. It will soon be lunch time, and once that comes around it’s almost time for my brother and sister to come home. When I shared this observation with my mum the other day, she said “Welcome to my world”. My mum was a housewife for over 20 years, from my elder sister’s birth right the way through to when she got a job a few years ago.

It’s a weird position to be in. You don’t feel like you’re achieving anything. And in a way you’re not. It’s not changing the world. But it does help calm the atmosphere in here. Plus, it keeps me from feeling too useless. I know that if I wasn’t doing all I am there would certainly be a lot more pressure in the house.And it’s not fair anyway.

We’re all getting older now. In theory things should be easing up. If anything, it’s going in the opposite direction.