The Low

I’ve had a mixed few days.

On Wednesday night, my parents finally found some time to come and visit me. They arrived at 11pm, and stayed here until earlier today. During those past few days I had calls galore, and they’ve seen how much work I’m doing these days. In truth, they’ve seen me during an unusually busy week. And that’s been a bit annoying for me. I wanted to go out and do a lot more with them.

Not only that, but we had been somewhat thwarted by the weather anyway. The early summer of sunshine has long since given way to day after day of changeable conditions, from wind and rain to some sun, then back to wind and rain again. It meant we didn’t quite do as much as we’d hoped, but we did, at least, sort out my garden. A garden which is a true disaster, and is always left for me to look after.

It was nice to see them, and it was unusual as well. Having them here with no brothers and sisters to distract, or other family involvement, it was rather special to get their undivided attention. Though we didn’t really talk about anything major, like the ongoing situation with my poor younger brother, it was still great to have them around helping me out for a few days. I couldn’t have done the garden without their help, and even a simple thing like Thursday night, when I was working on two laptops at once and had no time to make food, with my mum stepping into the breach to make it, was wonderful.

And now they’ve gone again. Meanwhile, my housemate has returned.

It’s a drastic change. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have them here in the first place. I’m now missing them badly, and have swooped into a severe depressional low. This morning I was close to cracking several times as I thought about saying goodbye, again, and thinking about my housemate returning.

It’s not that I don’t get on with him at times, I just don’t think this arrangement is working out very well. Me trying to run a business, which is wholly dependent on me living here with him, relying on the use of his services for the odd remote collection and delivery. I know too that he wants another job. I know too that there has to be a fair prospect he will be made redundant in the next year. I know too that he never has any intention of joining me full-time in this business, which was the medium-term goal.

In which case, I have to start looking at the options. But there are none. I can’t live on my own. I can’t afford it. I can’t start a random house-share, or become a lodger, because it is not viable as a business to use someone else’s house as my business premises. Even being able to drive is not the magic bullet, because the costs of that would make the prospect of living in my own house even more remote.

Earlier today, the sudden culmination of all these facts made me collapse in despair. I have made such progress with this business, and it feels like it can only keep going from strength to strength. But the tensions between how I square my personal life, my social life, and my economic interests, as a result of the circumstances I have, are just bewildering right now.

Ideally, the best solution from a business perspective would be to have a business partner who could engage completely in the business with me. Someone with whom I can plan together strategically, knowing we want the exact same thing. But that will not happen.

The best solution from a social perspective is for me to either make some new friends, somehow, and/or develop a significant other relationship with someone. And I just can’t see that happening either. Even that is bad, because it almost feels like I need an emotional crutch. Not too many girlfriends would be happy with that…

I could go on, but there are so many other problems this post could go on for at least 1,000 more words. What am I supposed to do?

Enjoy The Silence

Right now I have the house to myself, and will do for another 13 days or so.

This is actually a very enjoyable situation to be in. At least, at the moment it is. It’s excellent to have a two week break from my housemate, while he goes off gallivating by playing the weekend warrior, but I know very soon I’ll start to be utterly bored. Even more so than usual.

At the moment it’s fine, though. It’s been two days now and I’ve managed to find something to do to fill all the time. Yesterday I had enough work to do, but today was a bit tougher, having no real work. Tomorrow’s another day, and I suspect there is more work around the corner, but if it doesnt come, this may be a struggle.

Cos though I like to moan about the housemate, at least it’s someone to talk to. Even if he irritates me from time to time, and usually more often than that, it is useful to at least make sure, as The Sims would put it, that the social bar doesn’t fall to zero, requiring immediate use of the Social Bunny.

This has made the house broadly silent. Apart from the times I reach for the guitar and sing very quietly. Oh for those sunny days when I spent the summer singing loudly and openly. And people enjoyed it. These days, I actually think my singing is truly awful. That’s what happens when you don’t practice any more. And I don’t practice because I can’t. I don’t want anyone to hear me. Bad deal to get stuck into.

Fortunately, there may also be other distractions on the horizon. Firstly, for definite, I have actually decided to spend some of my profits on a new PC. I’m such a Scrooge that I spent almost no money on luxuries for myself, and I just above justify spending on essentials. But every now and then I release the moths from my wallet. That means the parts will be arriving some time this week. Something geeky to look forward to.

Then there is the imminent prospect of a visit from my parents. I’ve been here 10 months now, almost exactly, and they still don’t know what my house is like, or even where the hell I’m living. Yes, I know I live 200 miles away, but still. I hope they do come. They were supposed to come over the Easter holiday, but couldn’t find the time. I only saw them last week, when I went home briefly for a surprise visit (which coincided with their anniversary: bonus points!), but still, at least if they come here it’ll be something else to look forward to. I’d at least like to show them I’m not doing too badly, considering they had no confidence in what I was doing.

Anyway, that’s enough for one day. I really need to remember to write a bit more often, but usually when I remember to I can’t think of anything interesting to say. The blogger’s curse…