I was writing this post, and ironically, it was a bitch about how bad this year has been. Then WordPress ate the post. It was my fault, but I genuinely didn’t think instantly pressing the undo button would not actually function.

I moaned, in my usual fashion, about how the year was fucking shit. Shocking. That much is obvious. We have been fucked over by Covid, and it has ruined my life, my leisure time, my relationships, and my family, as I sit noting how much anxiety my mum seems to suffer these days.

I conducted the formal assessment… referring back to this post – and linking up the post was how I somehow hit Ctrl+A and then pasted a link over everything. Who would have thought pressing undo wouldn’t then work?

The formal assessment was TOTAL SHIT. This was a bad year. Very bad. I didn’t predict Covid. But I did predict the death of Keeks. I knew she couldn’t last much longer. It hit me really hard, and J too. My parents were so depressed about the loss of their almost lifelong companion, and the sudden silence in the house. It was horrible when I visited in May. It is still horrible now. Every morning I wonder whether she’s going to dart out of the kitchen and I need to make sure all doors are shut behind me so she can’t run up the stairs. Then I remember. It’s awful. She was certainly missed on Christmas Day, when she’d normally be hiding under the wrapping paper.

Then there were various family matters. Brother 1 is mentally not well, and physically somewhat infirm for a 31 year old man. He also lives in the loft at home, playing games thinking he’ll be the next big streamer. Bad news, he’s too old. Brother 2 is in a crap relationship, going nowhere, with someone I don’t like, in fact none of us do. He seems to know that, and we all keep our distance. Sisters 1 and 2 are doing OK, but the nephews from sister 1 are as stupid as ever. I don’t know if that’s ever going to change… every year I hope they’ll get cleverer and smarter. They just get dumber, and more stupified by society.

But that really might be the total worst part of this year: my total and utter final acceptance that everyone is just fucking stupid. The world has made everyone crazy. Social media has turned everyone into egotistical maniacs, detached from reality and persuaded that everything they see in their bubble is either exactly right or the worst thing ever, created by evil, manipulative bastards. The political situation has us all at each others’ throats, and the rest of the world don’t care, caught up in trying to manage the train wreck of their existences.

I dared to hope at the start of the year that my toe in the water in the political world might lead to some more positive engagement in this side of life. It didn’t. In fact I’m more disconnected than ever. I am still a member, though I’m not sure why. Though I did predict that, in the end, I would find it a disaster. Seems like I can predict my own negativity exceptionally well.

I also failed on my minor personal goals. I hoped I would have more time for J, to try and talk, and try and listen better. I failed on this score, badly. In fact, we’ve grown even more distant. At times, including at least twice this year, I have wondered whether I should try and end things. But I think I’m wrong. I do love him, but living life with him is hard. He is now stronger and more independent of mind than ever, and that creates more tension between us. He makes things difficult. I’m sure I do too. But it’s starting to get worse. 5.5 years in, and I do wonder whether I’m right to stick to it for, potentially, the rest of my life. We need to find a better way of living apart, doing different things, as we don’t have enough shared hobbies (beyond watching the TV) to sustain us forever, surely?

As I write, I’m still breaking all the Covid rules, in my parents, waiting for the New Year. My sister has come round, and the nephews etc are here. There is something family going on, but it’s very muted. We’re not supposed to be doing it. But we have no choice. Life is too short, and we have to have some family time. This year has taught us that, actually, there might not be a tomorrow.

I don’t ever remember being so fatalistic. This is a very odd point to end a year.

One think we noticed this year is that we have had so many of our clients contact us to tell us that they’ve got BT or similar on the line telling them there’s a problem with their computer and they need to put it right. Of course, something finally didn’t ring true for them so they made that crucial phone call, where we could finally rescue them.

Others were not so lucky. Some went through with the scam, being liberated of several thousand pounds. Some just had rogue software installed and we stopped things getting out of hand, which then ironically made us money in clean ups (though at least our efforts were honest). But others we have no idea about. Some will have lost money and been too embarrassed to contact us. When I saw the tell tale signs of a scam on a computer, when I raised it with the client they begged me not to tell their children… talk about confused loyalties.

The scammers have made an absolute killing from both naivety, and maybe boredom brought about by months and months in lockdown, where people have no real interaction with others. And using their computers more and more seems also to have encouraged people to be more available for being scammed in the first place…

But there is a deeper scam being perpetrated on us. By ruling classes that see citizens that are now too stupid to think for themselves, and too trusting of mysterious internet authorities, where it seems everyone and anyone can appoint themselves an expert in anything (epidemiology being a particular specialism this year) and opine from social media or comments sewers on newspaper websites. By businesses that see the opportunity in hustling unsuspecting customers into buying any old shite because the dream has been sold effectively by social media. And by mysterious agents of foreign governments, who could never have invented a more perfect tool to divide and conquer than social media.

Yes, this truly has been the year of the scam. Only this one is an exceptionally long con where we are all both marks and useful idiots, used to dress the scene. We all play our roles and we all think we are exercising our free will, but we are being very carefully manipulated. See the Social Dilemma film and Screened Out for some evidence of this…

This has been the theme of the year. Scams run by deeply cynical twats like Boris Johnson and Donald Trump. Scams run by the Russians. And scams run by fake tech support chaps named Rupert with thick Indian accents.

I don’t see it getting any better.

I didn’t think I’d actually make it here.

It’s bed time, and I’m in bed, in the freezing cold loft. But it’s been an ok day. It was an early start, but we’ve been good as gold all week, getting things sorted and doing our chores. It made today’s eventual departure, in spite of all so called rules, a success.

J has been better than normal. He’s usually very resistant to the idea of keeping things clean and tidy, and planning things carefully. He likes to try and be spontaneous but it never works. Our lives are too regimented, and our clients are so dependent on us, that what little time we have left has to have some purpose assigned otherwise it just disappears. Many evenings are spent just watching crap on Netflix because that’s what we always do to relax. Even though I’m sure with a bit of imagination we could do other things.

But this Christmas we seem to be on the same wavelength. It was nearly cancelled thanks to fucking Boris, cruelly snatching it away after we’ve lived almost in perfect solitude all year. I know the virus takes no rest, but we’ve all been so good and I’m sure none of us have it (in fact, have tested negative) – why can we not use that to our advantage?

So we sneaked up despite the advice, and frankly given the road conditions I’m sure many others did too. But sadly others won’t have been so cautious, and inevitably the cases of the dreaded Covid will rise.

But today is not about that. It’s about triumphing in the face of adversity.

Yes, today is about this blog becoming 16 years old. Shit. I am old. I don’t know how I’ve managed to keep it going, especially with not really having anything to write about. No wonder I don’t write very often any more. I almost write now just because it would be a shame to stop now. I also know if I did stop I’d always look back on it as a missed opportunity. I have a poor memory these days. This is a nice reflection point. I sometimes read old posts with great interest.

From 19 to 35. I have changed a lot, but also not at all. I’m still introverted and shy. I will never change from that. But I’m definitely wiser about life. Wise enough to know when to keep quiet and your head down. Wise enough to know that life is hard and there’s nothing we can do about it. And it certainly won’t just work out alright. No chance.

Life is actually getting much worse. More complicated. More distant. More divided. More divisive. I on the other hand am learning to stay out of it.

maybe it’s called making peace with how things are and not worrying about how I’d like them to be?

I’m at peace with now. I’m here, with family, for the first time in a year. I love it, and I must hold onto it. It won’t be forever. I am very lucky to have it, and must hope for more but cannot expect it. This year of all years has taught me that.

it’s not quite been the Christmas Eve I wanted, but after this year any Christmas Eve is good.

A very Merry Christmas indeed. Here’s to the usual glass of Baileys.

It’s been a year where we’ve all learned about new concepts. Keeping people apart has been central to it, but instilling in people where they are in terms of their COVID tier has been vitally important.

Well, that is, if you are the government. In reality most people are winging it. We all make up little excuses and reasons for why we’re doing what we’re doing. Yesterday we went to visit J’s dad, and we went out for lunch, just a sandwich in a garden centre. Like most people we claimed to be in a bubble. We aren’t as we live 100 miles away. But you gotta go with the flow. There were plenty of others there, example groups of people all similar age, that I can’t imagine they were all from the same household. It’s all rationalised BS, just like old Dom Cummings and his trip to Barnard Castle.

The next decision to make is whether to bother listening to the latest changes in rules. We have been good all year in observing them, very much the spirit as much as the word. We kept going to work, but it felt pretty safe to do so as it was our office and no one else was there. It’s got worse as other people sharing the same office have emerged, but that’s because estate agents are … unprintable.

So to suddenly be told that our plans to have a “normal” Christmas have to be scrapped because of COVID, and that having spent a whole year doing basically fuck all, because other people have spent the last few months being utter bell ends really sticks in my throat.

It’s hard though. We know it’s risky. We could be taking a big risk with our health and others… but at home they’ve all been good, and we’re planning on sticking together for the duration, like we always would do. It will be a bit boring, but at least it’ll be social. And really, with the way life is flying by, we’re not going to get many more of our family Christmases. Have to cram them in while we still can, especially as my Gran has been unwell of late.

But with rates rising, and new strains in the mix, the vaccine can’t come soon enough. We’re struggling to process all these different rules for different people in different regions on different days. We’re doing our best, but it clearly isn’t good enough. It very much looks like we have another big lockdown coming, but hopefully it’ll be the last one. I just wonder if it’ll be any less phoney than the last one to make a proper difference. Time to close the schools I think…