As is tradition at the start of the year, the tradition is to make some predictions. Or, at the very least, some modest hopes or aspirations.
I really don’t feel like doing so any more. I’ve commented before how school and university give life a structure. All being well, you know what you’ll be doing in spring, summer, etc. But that hasn’t been the case for me for almost a decade now.
First of all, what of the New Year? Last night was a tremendous disappointment. As the years have gone by they seem to have all got worse. Last year was bad, but this took the biscuit. The level of illness, still high in Dad, Mum and my older sister, and the general malaise that sets in when you’re not having a proper party, just meant that we sat here for hours doing nothing.
When the New Year came i resolutely refused to go outside, much to the chagrin of J. Mum was too drunk to even notice that I didn’t go out there. In our family we usually go outside into the street and sing Auld Lang Syne. Last year we did it, but no one really wanted to. I wanted to keep up the tradition, a tradition I know my grandad would be proud of. But people only barely joined in last year. This year, along with the general feeling of “this has all just been rubbish” – I decided that I’d stay inside.
No one sung Auld Lang Syne. Without me there it was a non-event. There was no family festivity. There was no fun. I just sat and watched the New Year fireworks on the TV.
And why bother marking it, when it’s all been so shit? Last year was good for me, but not for the rest of the family. I barely go into any detail on their various disasters now. I don’t want to, it’s too depressing. This year will probably be the same, except I feel like it may be worse for the family. There is too much illness. Too much bad fortune. Too much bad behaviour. I look at my oldest nephew, who turns 18 soon, and behaving like a total dick. He can be treated as an adult when he acts like one.
Then there’s my youngest brother, who is also a self-absorbed narcissist. He does nothing for anyone. He doesn’t even wash a dish. Aged 22, he also seems to be encouraging the nephew to be even worse.
Then there’s my younger nephews, aged 5 and 3, who are, frankly, just weird. Strange children, they are noisy and loud, like children should be, and then act like they’re deaf, dumb and mute when anyone walks into the room who isn’t their mum, dad or grandparents. They seem extremely socially inadequate. Could it be because they are glued to phones and iPads constantly playing stupid games? The smartphone era has a lot to answer for. They can speak, but they often choose not to, instead just shouting a noise, or nodding.
So perhaps my first wish for 2017 is actually that my family get better. There is just too much general bad blood and stupidity floating around. Could 2017 please bring some respite from this? I wish my nephew would grow up. I wish my brothers would start to behave like adults. I wish them some good and lucky breaks.
As for me, I hope that me and J can grow closer together. We’ve drifted a bit over the last few months, and it’s all my fault. I will maybe go into detail in the future. But suffice it to say we’re just struggling a bit at the moment. I still love him, a lot, but I need to find a better way of coping with the fact that we don’t really have anything to do with our free time except go out for walks, watch crap on the TV, play games on the TV, and very rarely have sex. The latter is part of my sadness at times. Sex is fun, but most of the time feels dull and perfunctory. So maybe 2017 can improve our relationship somehow…
Thirdly – can we possibly find a different business? I know it’s not going to happen, but for some reason I am starting to feel our days as a business are numbered. I could be wrong. We may still have a good few years at it. But i am increasingly looking for a change. I don’t want to start from new. I want to buy an existing business. I know this is crazy, but I just can’t imagine that I’d like to still be doing this rubbish by the age of 40. That’s a modest long term goal, surely?
Alternatively, I’d settle for making the business less stressful. My feeling is growing that, if not this year then next, we should simply consolidate. No new clients. Just look after the current ones. And maybe close down the repairs angle. If we could manage without the money I’d do it in a flash. Maybe this is a silly idea right now. Money is king. We need to pile up fat stacks of it.
So finally – could maybe 2017 bring a better hobby? A hobby that both me and J can find fun and productive. Something that can bring us together. It might be sport. We both like swimming. Or badminton. Something that gets us out and about, and is reasonable exercise. J is always on about it, in the hope that it will make him more shapely and lose the folds of skin that he’s left with having lost lots of weight since he was a big podge. That amused me for some reason. Podge is funny.
So come on then 2017. Let’s see what you bring…