The Move In

I feel compelled to write because it has been too long and I am now fearful that I am missing critical details from my life. 

Today I am sitting on a train traveling back to my home from home. Awaiting me at the train station will be my soon to be new housemate / best friend / uncertain about anything else. 

Back in February via those apps that I have written much about, I started chatting to someone a fair distance away from me. We exchanged the usual sexual banter which passes on these apps, but didn’t get much further than that. In fact we just started talking normally. 

A day or two later we were still chatting. We appeared to have become friends. This was kinda cool. The sexual tension and even any pretence at attraction had all been dropped. As time went by the number of mutual similarities and points of agreement just continued to mount. It was just irresistible to be friends with this guy. 

I have never really mentioned him to this point except in passing. It’s hard to know why in hindsight. He has meant the whole horrible experience of being on the “market” hasn’t been as bad as it was. Yes I have still felt bad by the whole thing. But from it has become a friend. 

Then there is another explanation. We have become more than friends. But not in that kind of way. Friends as in best friends. And I haven’t had one of those since I was in university. We have bonded on a deep emotional level because we are so shockingly similar. We have been through difficult times. Him more than me. And the world owes him a better time.

These developments have been more recent. And I didn’t really know how they were going to go. Sometimes opening up to someone is the death of a friendship because suddenly you are either emotionally dependent on them or they you. Or worse become embarrassed by being so open. That doesn’t feel the same in the cold light of day. 

But again this is different. It is exceptionally comfortable. We understand each other so well. The pauses are not awkward. It is a true rock solid bona fide brotherly but more than that friendship. 

I’m at a loss trying to understand it. It’s not sexual. It’s not physical. It is not that type of relationship. It’s purely mental and emotional. I think we were both in such desperate need of a friend – a real true friend who understands our view of the world – that we have bonded so well. 

I feel like I didn’t want to talk about it as it’s not something I had truly got my head around. It feels like to my unfamiliar mindset that we should be boyfriends in a relationship. But it isn’t that. All I can say is it’s a bit like Frodo and Sam in The Lord of the Rings…

Now I’m kinda though trying to work out what it is and what it isn’t. I can talk about it and accept it. And let it develop. I have let it develop over the last month to the following two extents. 

1 this person is coming to work for me. 

2 this person is coming to live with me. 

These are two extreme changes in my life. An employee and a housemate. One who is going to be around me all the time…

I’m a little worried that it will not work. I am anxious that this is going to create a pressure cooker of friendship stress. Surely it won’t be good to be around this person all the time? I don’t think so. Maybe. Time will tell. 

But I think my business needs an employee. And he seems to fit the bill. So that bit is satisfactory.

And my mental state has benefited from having him as a sounding board. And made me less self centred. This is also a big step in my life. 

As I look back and think what remarkable twists of life have occurred off the back of a trivial decision to download some gay “dating” apps I really am astounded. Realistically this is a major event in my life right now and one that I never remotely could have seen coming.  

It scares me how often it is in life that it’s actually the trivial decisions that you make that have the biggest repercussions. The ones you didn’t really think about. 

Today, however, is one that has been planned. Not throughly. Not meticulously. But it has been considered a huge amount. And I have agonised over what is the right thing to do. And, in the immortal words of X Factor, I have reached my decision. And I must stick to it. It will still be a big moment in my life I’m sure. 

It’s now a little under 30 mins till my friend, who has moved over 100 miles for this opportunity, and who has closed down a whole avenue of his life, will meet me at the train station in his car. We have a night of pizza and alcohol planned to celebrate. And maybe some Alan Partridge. 

Is this what my life was needing? Only time will tell. But I feel good about it.