The Complicated Feelings

I’ve never directly addressed anything like this on this journal before – in 10 years! – but I feel like this is a good moment to do so.

When I was in school I used to fantasise about girls. They were definitely the object of my desires. I have numerous distinct memories of being attracted to girls in my class, and girls in the school. This made me happy, because boys are cruel. It was very difficult for anyone who had any sort of camp/effeminate nature. I used to feel sorry for those who were, and in fact I counted a couple of the ones who were constantly accused of being “gay” amongst my friends.

So I was just normal, and so I kept under the radar. I was pleased. I don’t think I’d have survived any type of bullying or victimisation. I put up with the most moderate stuff, and that was bad enough for me, because I’m so sensitive. I take everything to heart and over-analyse it.

The complicated step was around the age of 16, when I also started to develop attractions to boys as well. As you can imagine, this totally confused me. I had a rather strange phase just before my 16th birthday when I very definitely went through a phase of being gay. It was weird. I accepted the feelings because I felt they were clearly just passing. I’d heard of getting confused by hormones and other tales of teenage woe, so I just went with it. I felt they would go away again, and I’d return to being heterosexual.

They never did.

But neither did the other feelings.

Being teenaged and hormone-filled, it didn’t really feel bad to me. It just felt like I was being horny regarding both sexes. But I did worry. I did worry about being gay, because a) I had no desire to go through such a stressful period with family and friends explaining it; and b) I was most definitely not someone who acted or behaved gay. I have my camp moments, as, in fact, all men do – because we sometimes do it very well for comic effect – but, in the main, I am pretty much just an ordinary guy. The thought of being gay and being associated with all the negative stereotypes worried me greatly.

My life path has wound forward some years since then. Since early dalliances in my teens, I have never “done anything” regarding my homosexuality. I have repressed it to some degree. I have always looked at (some) guys and thought “yeah, he’s nice” – but I have never thought “I should ask him on a date”. I have thought “he’s cute” but never “I’d like to…” – fill in the blank. It’s never appealed to me. Perhaps it’s repression, but I think it’s also that I just don’t feel 100% that I’d like to be intimate with a man.

On the other hand, I feel completely comfortable with being intimate with women. Not that it happens very often (I don’t write about everything on here) but I am happy speaking to women and getting to erm know them better. It is tragically all too rare, especially since Uni days are over, but that aspect of me feels normal.

So I’ve always thought that I’m pretty much a heterosexual, because the homosexual side of me just doesn’t feel all that comfortable with existing. I am certain, though, that it’s part of my unintentional repression. But if I became an exclusive heterosexual, then it wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing anything.

In the last year or so, however, I’ve began to accept that I’m actually a bisexual. Of course, this was obvious from day one, and I should have thought about this when I was 16 ish. I like both. Not equally. And not in the same way. I’m genuinely uncertain that I’d ever actually enjoy a long-term relationship with a man.

My new accepting mindset was an attempt to try and smoke out whether that too was a repression. And after the last few months of testing out my feelings quite extensively (utilising social apps…) I am reasonably confident that it’s not. Gay guys are incredibly difficult for me to get along with. They are extra fussy, they are a little untrustworthy (but that may just be the nature of the people on social apps) and they are almost universally not my type – i.e. they are too effeminate/camp.

But it’s been an interesting experience. The crap chat and rubbish banter, and the incredibly dismissive, arrogant and downright rudeness is enough to tell me I may be onto a loser here. I think I’m an ordinary, normal person, who shows genuine interest in others, and as such am really easy to get along with. But none of it was reciprocated.

I’ll write more extensively about my experience in the future. I just wanted to set a benchmark here that it may be a future topic…

The Busy Start To The Year

It’s not unusual, in this phase of my life, for the above statement to be true, but it seems to be more so each year.

This year has started quite different though. There is something lurking in the background which could promise to be a life-changing event. If we get it right.

We are currently looking to see if we can raise significant sums of money to start up a new business. It is all a little secretive at this stage, even though no one reads these posts, but it is just sensible for me to play my cards close to my chest. We are really excited about how it might all happen, and, if it is successful, it will replace almost everything I am currently doing for the next five years.

But, once again, none of these things happen easily. There is risk, lots of it. I’m very excited about it though, possibly the only thing in my life to have really generated something that could take me into the stage of being comfortable about life. There’s lots of work to do, but I think I have the right attributes, and I have a few people around who are going to support me taking it forward.

And all of this while trying to enact a new year’s resolution which wasn’t actually a new year’s resolution. It just became one when I got back home, back down South. I decided to try as hard as I possibly could to not take work home with me. I’ve added a new distraction to try and help enact this, partially related to trying to create some sort of social life for me. A social life that travels via apps on a smartphone. Wow. I really worked hard on that one. Yet more screen staring. I do that all day in work, and I do it for the rest of the day, morning and evening, at home. Meh.

So it’s been a bit different and a bit exciting.

Meanwhile, the main thrust of my work continues unabated, driving me insane and slowly thinking about shutting the whole thing down. If I was confident about the income from the other business, I would do it. But at the moment it has huge amounts of costs and an uncertain cash flow position for the next month, which is pretty stressful. It always seems to be that way. Everyone else makes off with the money whilst I refuse it so the business can survive. I took no dividends in December so that everyone else could get paid, including my business partner. Not much of a partner. Hmm. Why am I doing this again?

That’s right – because I keep thinking there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Maybe there is. But it’s almost the last throw of the dice now on this big venture idea. I hope I’m right… because if I’m not I’m going to be pretty screwed.

It seems like I’ve been back here for months, but in reality it’s 11 complete days. It’s been a whirlwind as usual.

Christmas now seems a distant memory.

171 days until 30

2015

It still frightens me how quickly the days are sinking away. I woke up this morning thinking “wow, it’s a week since Christmas Day”. They do say that time seems to feel quicker the older you get, and there is something in that from a perception point of view. In reality, of course, time is constant…

2015 arrived in some small celebration. A member of our family held the traditional family party, and, for a change, no one else did. This meant that there was no competing party, and therefore no need to pick which one to go to. This made family politics a lot easier…

It was a good affair, with our traditional singing of Auld Lang Syne in the street. What has amazed me as the years go by is that no one else does it. I remember when I was young we’d either all join together, all the neighbouring families in one big circle, or there would simply be other people singing it in their own circles from their own parties. Just another sign of the fragmentation of society? Ironically, our version of it was rubbish this year as we seemed to split into two groups, singing at different times. That was probably just too much alcohol though.

I was, as usual, asked to get the guitar out. I still feel the pain in my fingers today. It was good, and everyone always says I should sing more often, but life just isn’t great for that. It could have been something I pursued, when I had oodles of time in University. Now, however, I have to just be content with what I have. I don’t actually think I’m that good. But we’ll see.

2015 will be an interesting year. The tradition in my New Year post is to project for the years to come. But first, even though, I probably say something like this every year (I could check really but I am lazy) it’s now 15 years since the year 2000. A new year celebration that I now can’t even remember. That’s bad. I remember vaguely the feelings around it, but I cannot for the life of me remember where I was and what I was doing. Only 15 years ago, and I was 15 at the time. I should be able to remember that.

My memory is not good at long term recall, but my brain has always worked a bit differently to others. I am, even if I do say so myself, pretty good at short term memory recall. I attribute much of my success in life to my ability to recall recently processed facts, figures, and even a whole line of argument. Luck, I guess. Certainly helps in exams.

I digress.

2015 will contain a number of significant events.

First, in business, which makes up 90% of my life, I should conclude my first land purchase, and, with a fair wind, also complete my first house sale. I hope it will be as profitable as we project it will be. It will be a challenging but exciting job, and I know it will be a big distraction at times, but I can’t wait to get started.

The “other business”, as I usually call it, will hopefully have a good year. It is certainly starting the year with a decent order book, which is the extreme opposite of last year. I am reasonably confident about this, but there is a lot of potentially difficult challenges ahead. I think we are up to them, but if the first new business project goes well we may be distracted from this.

My main business, my computer one, I hope will continue to tick along without me doing a great deal. I have almost no time for it any more, but I must continue to service it, which is crazy considering the amount of work it does bring me at times. I need the cash to live, but also to help me to grow the other businesses. Depending on how things go I may be stupid and think again about bringing someone in, but it would only be for someone I considered to be the right person. Someone with a bit of character and a bit of spark. Unsociable nerds need not apply. I say that knowing that that’s exactly what I was, and still am to some degree, but I’m afraid that I don’t have time to allow someone to mature…

From a personal point of view, I am extremely conscious of the fact that I will be turning 30 years old this year (188 days to go) and this as usual makes me think two things. One, is that, just like New Year, it’s actually just another day. There’s nothing too special about it.

But that’s usually the defensive statement of someone in denial. It could also be viewed as a significant point at which I definitely definitely cannot get away with being called “young” now. There is a new generation below me, one that thinks differently, and has its own ways and means. I don’t think I am young now, but 30 would definitely be the end of it. I worry significantly that I only really have another 5 years in which to do all the things I could possibly get away with whilst in the first half of life: i.e. while being biologically and physically able to do so.

So being 30 concerns me. I wonder whether I could pass off lying about my age for a couple of years. I think, when I’m clean-shaven, I can pass for a couple of years younger than I am. But the dreaded hair is starting to give the game away.

I hope for a better 2015 for my hair. Which seems a bizarre thing to say, but it’s true. I hope things aren’t as bad as all the woe it’s caused me this year. What’s really strange is that I have an uncle and a cousin, both of whom I saw only yesterday, who are 10 and 6 years older than me, who both have better hair than me. I blame my dad’s genes.

I predict I might do something a bit unusual this year. It might be just actually going away on a real holiday. Or it might involve an external relationship. Hmmm. Maybe not. It’s not like me, on either score…

More likely, maybe, is that I do that thing which I’ve always wanted to do around music: get some proper equipment and get recording. Maybe even put the results online. I think I could gather a small following. Who knows what could happen? Hmmm. Maybe not. The YouTubes are only interested in sub-21-year-olds with attractive features.

I worry about my family, who also aren’t getting any younger. I worry about my 15 year old nephew, who is totally confused about what he wants to do with life, but won’t admit it. I worry that he is getting himself into unnecessary relationships with girls at an age where the brain is completely unable to cope with it. He wants to do his own thing, and he doesn’t want to listen. I absolutely was not the same at his age. I made some mistakes, but they were not in any way risky or dangerous to me or my future. He needs to be careful. I respected my parents, and my peers and my extended family of aunties, uncles and grandparents. They taught me a lot. He doesn’t want that.

I hope that my younger sister can find some direction this year. I hope that my brothers work out what it is they want with life, or at least make some efforts to. I hope my mum and dad have a healthy year, free of trauma and unnecessary distraction. On that same score, I hope my grandma doesn’t have anything seriously wrong with her eyes.

A lot of hopes, and a lot of dreams. An awful lot of worries.

A lot can go wrong this year, but it can also go right. I am never the optimist, but I just have a sneaking feeling that maybe things will turn out OK.

Here we go.