I’m pretty bored right now. It’s hard to believe that in the month since I last wrote, not really anything has happened.

Like last time, I still find myself wishing away the hours, days and weeks. It’s hard to understand what is going on right now. Work is dead. I mean deader than dead. Ok I lie a little. We are still doing stuff. We’re just operating on maybe half our normal workload. And it makes the days and weeks drag like hell.

There is still no closure when it comes to MABP. He is still holding on for grim death, and I’m still wondering whether or not I will be absolved of all the nonsense just like I should be. He claims he will make all right to me in the end, but I’m doubting I’ll ever see the £10.000 he owes me ever again.

There has been some progress with him though. At the very least he has admitted defeat and is finally walking away. He has no work to do with me. He has no money to offer as rent to my business. So he is going. At long last, and finally on terms I wanted – i.e. not adversirial. We’re half way through him taking his stuff away, and we’ve started moving bits around to take its place. At the moment it looks much worse, but it will get better.

I still worry about what’s going on though. I don’t understand why my business has dropped off a cliff. I don’t know why I’m finding it so difficult to adapt to having more time to do stuff. I suddenly have too many hours in the day. 9.5 hours is an awful lot of time to fill if the phone isn’t ringing. But I should be able to find things to do. How can it be after 9 years or more of being self employed I’ve reverted to a state of not having work?

Part of me is done with it. Part of me wants to jack it all in and do something else. The sad thing though is that I don’t have anything else to do. I am no better than I was back when I was desperate for work. I still have no desire to make money for someone else. The thought of applying for jobs again fills me with horror.

The sensible part of me knows I have to stick this shit out. J wants to try out his new business and I don’t want to stop him. But if I give up he won’t have the opportunity to pursue it. Possible clients are being horrible to him as well. I think it will be very difficult. I have told him this. But I will not stop him. I don’t have the heart. He deserves to give it a try. He has supported me during the last few years of hell with MABP. Now my former business partner. That’s one good thing.

But while business is shit, I have become filled with money worries. I’m suddenly worried about spending on treats. I don’t deserve it. And I feel doubly bad because to cut back we are going to have to finally make our office assistant redundant. We can’t afford it. She brings no value to us any more. Especially when it’s dead. It’s not her fault but she will be the one who suffers. She has been a struggle the last year or so. But on a personal level I will feel mean. I still don’t know how I’m going to deal with it.

I write this post while J is upstairs studying for his next exam. I have to remain strong so he can finish doing what he needs to. I am pretty fucking bored out of my mind though. The internet can only entertain me for a few minutes these days.

I blame my entire existence over the last 10 years for my short attention span…