Last weekend we went on a trip, to spend money. But not much money really. In fact, around £3.80.

OK, I’m being a bit casual with the truth. Some more was spent in IKEA, just enough to get free car parking. Which, bizarrely, they gave us, despite being 40 minutes over the allowed free time. But what was spent in IKEA got put on the 0% never-never. So we can forget about it, right? Especially in these hyper-inflationary times.

But then, somehow, we also spent nearly £400 on coffee and coffee ephemera. How did this happen? How have I gone from saying, in 2011, that I really should try and go back to no coffee… to now, indulging in it way too much? So much so that the evil Nescafe must be delighted, as we sign up for that sweet, sweet Vertuo pod subscription.

First of all, we would never have done it if it was for the “free” money. Let’s just say that myself and my partner J are fairly religious in terms of working on our Bing. That is, Microsoft Rewards. We have both been collecting points for years. We used to trade them in regularly for Starbucks credit. Then Covid happened, and all of our usual routines went in the bin. We stayed at home a lot more, and got into trying to find and make better coffee. It started with better instant, then better sachet types, and eventually, brewing our own.

Things came to a head last year, when J demanded we get an Aeropress. I was never fond of it. It made crap coffee, as far as I was concerned. Little did we know it was because we were doing it all wrong, but that came later.

But because we had stopped spending our points, we had accrued quite a few. Nearly £300 worth. So we cashed them in for John Lewis vouchers and went crazy. After all, we had been “working” hard for them for years. Why not spend it on something we’d both enjoy?

The visit itself was a medium success. We had some time tasting the Vertuo coffee first, and then came back and bought it, much to the obvious delight of the demonstrator lady. She perhaps assumed we were time wasters. Being in business, I know not to waste anyone’s time… I hate it being done to me.

We also bought a rather expensive grinding machine, and a brand new kettle with thermal control. We’d always wanted one but baulked at the price. However, when it was free, what could you say to that?

The coffee from the machine has been good, though we haven’t tried the grinder yet. I fear that, once we start playing with that, and making fresh coffee, I will get more and more annoyed about having crap instant coffee. I will not want it. It already happened this week. I got so used to to the pods that once my stingy brain returned, telling me we can’t just keep using them all the time, because that’s £2 per day, at least, I really resented having crappy Nescafe again. The taste is so inferior.

But that’s the danger of the grinder. If we get that right, and my new hero JAMES HOFFMANN is to be believed, I will never want to go back. I may not even want the Vertuo either, in spite of all the money that was(n’t) spent on it. And my conversion to true coffee snob will be complete.

This is all such a far cry from controlling my caffeine intake. Today I have had a blistering headache, right on schedule. I had Coffee Pod Mon-Wed – giving me, apparently, up to 200mg of caffeine, according to the horrifying research I just read. So, dropping down to standard coffee, on Thursday, of 60 ish mg, would inevitably lead to a headache on Friday.

I was spot on. Around 10am the early signs began. By 3:30pm I decided I had to bring caffeine forward if I was to have any hope of numbing the pain. I try to only have fully caffeinated coffee around 4pm, every day. If I muck with this schedule, or drink varying amounts of caffeine, I get in real trouble. Gone are the days when I could sink a large latte from Costa (300mg!) and not worry about it. But, with hindsight, I now very much realise why I used to get so many headaches. I had no idea.

It didn’t work. I type this now still feeling in pain, but it is starting to fade. Sleep and overnight will cure it, and tomorrow I’ll be reset. I should then try and stick to simple coffee. I must do more research. But sadly we have many more free pods to get through.

I hate it though. It limits my options severely. I want to be able to enjoy coffee as a hobby, as well as a drink. I want to feel like I can have one any time. But I know that that way leads to several headaches a week. I could just drink a coffee when I feel one coming on. But that’s not always possible, or convenient, or sensible. Or cheap.

I have done the research. I know my limits. I know what I can and can’t get away with. Costa is ruthless. Caffe Nero is kindest, especially on the single origin. McDonalds – don’t laugh now, their coffee is not that bad, and well priced, especially when on the go – I can sometimes get away with, but their coffee is fairly high caffeine. Starbucks is like dishwater to me these days, and I now know why, as a typical coffee only contains about 66mg of caffeine. Good if I want to keep the levels low, but the caffeine is what gives it that flavour. Decaff just doesn’t do it…

So going down another rabbit warren of caffeine, with a grinder, and possible hundreds of different types of coffee to try, not to mention even trying specialist roasteries… it could be very bad for me. And yet, why must I be punished for doing something I enjoy? It’s like being a Catholic teenaged boy. As I was, a long time ago.

We returned home and unpacked our goodies. We didn’t dare try them though. That was for later. Instead, J got out the goose-necked kettle and put some water on the gas hob…