It’s been quite the start to the year.
When we got back I deliberately kept things orderly so that we could move quickly to the important discussion. This year I didn’t want any delay and nothing to ruin the momentum of Christmas spent with the family in (mostly) harmony.
So me and J sat for hours and I told him about my wish that this was the moment to tell my family about us. He was delighted, of course, and hoped that we could do it soon. I said I wanted it to very soon, and told him I already had the messages written. I discussed it and we agreed the best method was WhatsApp (how very modern) but the date and time was yet to be determined.
The days then passed. The work week was brutal, and J was getting restless. He kept pushing me but I wanted it done my way. I showed him the messages on Friday and they got his blessing with minor changes. Of course I needed his approval as he was being outed too.
Saturday arrived, and J was hoping it would be that day. I knew it had to be the weekend. During the week would be impossible. I needed time and space to decompress from work. It was going to be a hard Sunday.
I then came up with the plan. There is never a good time, but I think the best has to be first thing in the morning. At that time people have yet to get fucked off with the day. They might still be tired, but the distractions should be minimal. During the day phones are pinging constantly, and everyone is seeking attention. The evening people just want to wind down and watch shit on the telly. I would struggle to get everyone’s attention at the same time. It had to be Sunday morning.
But what about my siblings? I wanted them to be addressed with a single but separate message. I wrote it and sent it just after midnight. I knew my brothers would still be up but mum and dad would be in bed. But I would send the message in the middle of the night to mum and dad, so they could deal with it first thing.
It was a very anxious night. After sending it I thought it wasn’t a good plan after all. How could I sleep now? I was nervous to get it over with, and waiting wasn’t easy. I don’t think I truly thought the result would be bad, and I don’t remember being nervous about being rejected. The thought briefly crossed my mind, but it was so stupid. I’m sure all my family love me enough to live with this slight… weirdness.
My older younger brother approved, and sent a really lovely message. I was touched. It was about 3am, and it was weird, finally knowing that someone I actually cared about knew. I sent some messages back and we had a brief chinwag. As night owl, it all seemed quite normal for him but I was desperate to go back to sleep.
I had to commit to the rest of the plan though. I sent the message to Mum and dad, along with a special separate message to a friend of long standing too, as he knows my mum on social media and I didn’t want him to see third hand. This was nerve wracking, but it had to be done.
I then, somehow, got back to sleep. Later in the night I woke and saw my other brother had read the message and not replied. All a bit odd but he often was hard to pin down emotionally. I thought all would be well but I really had to get back to sleep. I had no idea how J was taking it, as he didn’t really say anything overnight, but I assumed he wasn’t sleeping well either with all the tossing and turning going on…
Eventually it got to a time where I thought it would be safe to start the morning routines. Coffee and bed, with some reading to distract me. It would probably not be too long till my sisters saw it, so at least things were now getting down to the business end.
I waited and waited, and in the end couldn’t wait any more. Breakfast was necessary. Then shower. We were now getting to 10am with no replies, though both sisters had now read the message.
They finally did reply, not long after each other, both saying all was well. It was expected news, but I still needed to hear it to get things over. Now just the parents left.,,
After another age (they don’t get up early if they don’t have to) during which I exchanged nice messages with my sisters, the parents finally replied. I have to be honest, I thought my mum would call but she didn’t. Instead she messaged and then dad. They said they were fine and that they want things to be as normal just like I do. The wait was over.
It feels weird, because it all went exactly as I thought it would. I knew there’d be no rejection, but deep down inside I still think that they are harbouring some sadness. I have chosen a path that makes my life more awkward and more difficult. I wish I had tried harder, but I just didn’t get into practice early on in my life. I was too focused on study, and work. I am a very one dimensional character for that. I wish I’d been braver. There were many opportunities when I think back…
I digress. It feels strange because I live so far away. My day to day is no different. I knew I would be back in on Monday dealing with fucking printers. I knew I’d be back to my usual anxiety stricken self, filled with stress and rage about my inability to change my life’s situation. And how awful the world around is. It’s very sad. If I’d actually seen my parents it might have felt different. I might have sensed true feelings, not just empty words on a screen that I never want to read again. So awkward.
But at least this phase is over now. I now have to be honest with friends and select individuals around here. I don’t think anyone will care, and I’m pretty sure my closest have already worked it out. Why wouldn’t they really, two adult men living together for years? It’s just never acknowledged. And why would I when I don’t want to be the centre of attention?
Soon however I have to face the most dreaded thing. The phone call. Will it be a bit weird? I will soon find out.