The Disappointment

After all the complaining in my previous post, it rather feels good to be proved right about something bad.

My annoyance was absolutely spot on. Nearly three weeks since, nothing of interest has happened in my life, except for being tortured by certain jobs with certain clients.

But my housemate did indeed find a new job. A job that means he will not be thinking of leaving any time soon. Fucking great.

I am losing my patience and growing a bit tired. A neutral observer might wonder why it is that he is the one that must leave, and not me, which is a reasonable question. But the arguments in my mind are tired and somewhat over-rehearsed, awaiting a confrontation that will never come. I have commitments now in this town. I have a business with reputation and a name. This is an ideal position to work from. And I have no transport at all.

On his side, he has none of that. He also, with his new job, is now significantly well-off enough to surely be able to bugger off and find somewhere else. I pushed the issue a little bit the other day, but he is so stupid I don’t think he understood how disappointed I was to hear that he now has no plans to change living circumstances for some time.

This only coming a few months after a somewhat less than dramatic “meeting” in a coffee shop, where I made it clear I was looking elsewhere because I need my own space. In his mind, he has every right to stay, and it should be me that goes. And that is pretty much impossible. See above.

So where does it all end? Fortunately, over the last few days I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had to worry about it. You can’t beat being completely overwhelmed with work to distract you from the daily nonsense that depresses you when you think about it too much.

But it must end. Does it end by me specifically telling him to go? I feel a bit bad about doing this, especially as we have only just renewed the tenancy agreement. It would almost feel like ripping him off. Although, in my defence, he wasn’t too concerned about that only a month ago when he said he was leaving.

In some ways, I actually want it to be me that ends this ridiculous arrangement. Something about wanting to be in control of my own destiny makes me feel that way. It would also be good to actually say something like that and mean it. But I can’t. Unless things change drastically in the next month or so. And even then, moving on top of Christmas would not be ideal. Moving full stop is not ideal, not when I am trying to juggle so much work-wise.

In other news, the other disappointment in my life is the state of my hair. I haven’t cut it in about five months, and I reckon I probably should as it’s starting to resemble Lego Man hair again. If Lego Man had curls.

I could do with a good night’s sleep. Not had one of those for a while. Might be why someone told me on the phone earlier that I sounded rough. Who knows. And I am starting to fall asleep whilst typing this.

No real surprise though, as I’m doing so while waiting for a virus scan to finish from a customer’s computer, one that has taken me HOURS to fix. The multi-tasking joys of my life.


Another new month begins, and once more I’m in a waiting game.

I don’t know how and why this kind of thing keeps happening to me, but at present a couple of things have changed which have opened up life to yet more sitting around waiting for something to happen.

Firstly, my housemate has told me that he’s leaving. This was somewhat glorious news, but I had to pretend I was a little disappointed, of course. But – and here’s the big but – I don’t believe a word he tells me any more.

In truth, I failed. I let myself believe that he might actually be telling me the truth for once. Indeed, I even saw him pack up two boxes of crap that have been in the living room since we moved in here (ridiculous, I know) and take them with him. I could hardly believe it. It must have been true. His exact words: “I’ll probably be leaving sooner rather than later”.

Skip forward three weeks, and nothing else has happened. In fact, at a chance discussion last night, he revealed that he’d probably be here for a while now. Erm.

So now I’m annoyed with myself for believing something he told me, when I have been telling myself not to believe anything he says for months. I should have just rolled with it, and not let myself get excited for finally getting my own bit of freedom, because now it feels snatched away from me. If he left, it would remove all the pressure I have on myself to try and get out of the situation I’m in, which is made far more difficult for me because; a) my business makes it useful I stay here; and b) I don’t have the money to buy around here; c) I don’t have the logistical support to move far anyway.

The next step is just waiting. Waiting for something to happen. That is the story of my life.

Meanwhile, on a work front, I have had some relatively Good News, that might help push my business forward financially. I am waiting on a big deal with a relatively large company. If I get it, it will provide a good income stream, and security too.

But did you see that magic word in that last sentence? WAITING.

Every day that ticks by, I feel older. I am finally accepting that I am just not young any more. I am 27 now. Yes, it’s not “old” in context, but the fact is that there are a number of things in my life that I really ought to have done by now. Like, maybe, found some happiness relationship-wise.

I hate thinking about things like that, but in my quieter moments, and always in the back of my mind, it is a nagging doubt.

Here’s to a good month…