April Chill

April has been an unusual month. Both unusually cold and also unusually new.

The new came entirely from the continued development of my relationship with my partner. The cold came from… The cold I suppose. It’s just been freezing. I looked back at photos from last year to find that I was wearing t-shirts. What happened?

The new has involved some difficulties. First amongst which has been the discovery of rather awkward issues that my partner doesn’t know I know about. They involve things that are very personal to me. I don’t really know what to do about them, but I know I must bring up the subject at some point. I won’t go into details here. I assume I will remember it when looking back on this.

These are things I’ve rarely had to do. It’s not often I know something I shouldn’t about someone’s personal life. But what I know is the type of thing that I feel like I ought to know. He should be honest with me. I shouldn’t have to sneak it out of him. Trust has to be earned and what I know has made me mistrust him to some degree.

We’ve had a few general fallings out too, often over silly things. Sometimes my fault, sometimes his. They’re normal I suppose in any relationship. We aren’t robots and we will fail often. All we can do is try. That’s ok, but when you fall out over big things like sneaking around regarding money and big purchases, especially when there are important changes potentially ahead, that also damages things a little.

We do appear to be moving on though. We are still very strong as a relationship, which is pretty good. I mean it’s only 10 months but it’s pretty good these days isn’t it? I just need to find some way of discussing these slight issues…

The only really pressing issue in my brain at the moment revolves around how and when I decide to come out to my family. In recent times this has become an issue in my mind, and that I’d start to feel better about myself if I did. I started drafting a letter because I don’t feel like this is something I can get over accurately and clearly on my terms in person. In person it could become a discussion. A single letter is a precision strike designed to get it all over with in one go. It would seem easy. It also seems the cowards way out. But I’d rather get it done somehow. If I don’t the chances of me actually being with my family at an opportune moment, given they live hundreds of miles away and have started to become very split apart, are extremely remote. Such is the nature of families growing up.

Oh well. At least our business is ok, although we could always do with more work. We have had our disappointments through the month, including difficult customers, but we survived in one piece without too many tears.

I wonder what May will bring.