So Christmas has come and gone for another year. No matter what, it will always feel like a big anti-climax for me. You get all excited about it in the build up to Christmas Eve… then it’s Christmas Day: presents are always good, as is seeing the satisfaction you see everyone getting from the things you bought them… but then it’s over and in just a fraction of the time you have been waiting for it for.
What is good, however, is being in a position where “Christmas” is a three week holiday, just like it used to be when I was in school. When I think of Christmas as the whole winter holiday period, then things are much rosier. During my gap year, I worked in a retail shop, and my “Christmas” break was a glorious two days long. As soon as it was over we had a depressing day or two getting all the New Year sales rolling. I’m not looking forward to going back to that, but I know it will happen when I return to the World of Work. Bah.
Enough of the negative thoughts.
It would seem that I missed out the exact anniversary of this journal by one day. I started this on Christmas Eve last year, and the closest post to that was my soppy, sentimental post on the 23rd.
Overall, I think it’s been a rather good year. The start was a little turbulent, with me feeling completely lost in direction in life, and the anxieties I had over the evil housemates I had in my house in Hull were extremely stressful at times. University work has never been too taxing, but my friends have tried my patience on several occasions. Yet, my life in Uni wouldn’t be the same without them. Spring was a time of exploration for me, as I took the risk of a lifetime over applying to work in an American summer camp. In the end, the gamble paid off, as I had an amazing summer. Autumn was quiet, and University is a little harder this year, yet it is more interesting. The time flew by… I started to learn how to drive… two essays and two exams later, the semester was over, and I returned home. It’s been great to see my family again after over three months away, and Christmas has been really good.
I have a feeling 2006 is going to be a good one. I don’t know why. Looking back, I’ve noted that 2004 was a good year, and 2005 has also been pretty good. Yet this doesn’t really tally with what I feel about 2004 now. This means that as time goes by, I tend to get more sceptical about what I’ve experienced. So it is useful for me to make these notes because it tells me what I thought of life at a particular time closer to the event, without the “wisdom” of age filtering out various memories with a critical and cynical eye.
The odd thing is that at the end of this year I still retain all the worries I had at the start of it: about lack of direction and lack of much impact on the world. Yet now I feel a little smarter and more mature in dealing with it. I still have lapses, and I still don’t know what the solution is to these questions, but I am beginning to move into an acceptance that this is the case, and it may always be. It’s a little downbeat, and not exactly filled with aspirations, but it’s more realistic. Yet, I know that things may change, and weird opportunities can present themselves in a number of ways.
What’s strange is that I thought I don’t believe in fate. Yet, that last paragraph almost sounds like I’m dealing my life out to it…
It’s a wonderful world.