Marking Time

July is a month that always fills me with dread. First of all it contains my former birthday. If you have to ask you don’t know me. But of course, most people treat it as my actual birthday. So I have to pretend to be grateful, and hide the cards until November.

This year has been all about marking time though. Watching the days turn to months, as I sit watching the rain, bored, because the weather – which has been amazing this summer – has conspired against me. After sitting cooped up in the office all week, generally bored just watching the hours disappear, doing work for people who are mostly horrible to me, being totally envious of all the lucky people outdoors enjoying the sun… here we now are at the weekend, fuming at the unfairness of the rain.

There’s nothing like stupid weather to get me down. And it’s daft because we really have had a great summer. One of the best I can remember. Certainly the best in 10 years or more. So to have a couple of days of rain, that’s probably ok. It says it’s going to get better again, so I will have to once again wish the time away and look forward to next weekend. When it will be August, and summer will be 2/3rds over…

I find myself like this these days. Life has become very different since I got a partner. I now just sit and do nothing. I used to listen to music, or watch YouTube videos, or play the guitar, or piano, or think about things I could do for business. Or actually do work. Because let’s face it, it I’m sitting here doing fuck all, I might as well be earning, right?

I don’t do that now. I just do nothing. I watch the clock, and the calendar. I read inane articles about life and how to change it. I ignore my family, who 90% annoy me, and I sit in worry about what me and J can do with our time instead.

The other day we did our usual thing of let’s go out. We rushed to get ready on a Sunday so we could make it for McDonalds breakfast, as we’re currently obsessed with hash browns. By the way, I weigh 60kg and am 1.8m tall. After eating, we got back in the car to decide what exciting thing we would do next. We couldn’t. We went home, and did nothing.

We don’t have anything to do or anywhere to go. Everything costs so much, and our car and all associated costs are ridiculous. It’s quite conceivable we pay more for the car than we do our mortgage, especially when you account for depreciation. So why have it? When we get punished for using it with ridiculous costs.

Everything marks time. My watch. My calendar. My face. My odometer. My computer. My bank balance. Even my penis. It now has folds it didn’t have before.

Entering middle age, I am more conscious of time wasting away into nothing. And yet… somehow, I am getting more relaxed about it.

A few Sundays ago J and I were sitting in a park. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. It was quiet and pleasant and no one was around. It was just nice. It seemed like this was a brief good moment. I noted it, and said that maybe this is what life is all about. And that we should I enjoy it.

I’ve definitely changed.