After spending a long day in the sunshine yesterday, and getting slightly sunburnt for my troubles, it seems ridiculous that today is dark, rainy and miserable. Worse is the fact that tomorrow I’m going to a family christening event, and it looks like they might have picked a pretty bad day for it. Such a shame, as this time last year it was my nephew’s birthday and holy communion on the same day, and they got the good weather – possibly the only nice day of last summer…

The reason why I was in the sun was that I went to watch my brother and sister at an inter-schools athletics competition. Unfortunately, their school got trounced in virtually every event, but my sister did well in her two events, coming 2nd in the 200m and 3rd in the 100m. I’m glad she did well, because she spent the last week insisting that she was not going to do it and that she hated having a talent for running. It got most people in the house down. But she did it in the end, and hopefully it’s a vital lesson learned in life.

I think back to when I was in school and the fact that of the all the lessons in the week, PE and games were the ones I dreaded. I’ve already covered a lot of this ground in the old youth reviews, but it seems all semblence of sporting talent passed me by, whereas my siblings seem to have at least something to work from. The only thing I was ever good at and enjoyed was badminton. I don’t quite know why that would be. Maybe I have good hand-eye co-ordination. Plus, I’m not a physical person, so contact sports were always the most hated. Even though I like watching them.

I would dearly love to get back into playing badminton again, but it’s just another one of those things that can’t really be done on your own. I need to find someone else to play it with me. I was thinking of asking my younger brother (aged 14) but I’m not convinced he can be separated from a) his antics with friends and b) his computers.

If I had something to do, another hobby to enjoy then I think I’d feel a lot more balanced as a person. I’ve mentioned before how most of my hobbies are unfortunately individual activities that I do at home, playing playing guitar, keyboard, reading/researching… so it would be nice to have one that got me outside for a bit.

I’ve thought a lot about this recently. What can I do with myself? I thought, maybe I should get back into music and try to make a band. But I tried that in the past and no one was interested. No one seems to get the blend of music I’m into. That would at least turn my musical talents into something a bit more sociable.

Or maybe I could use them to make money by busking? I would probably enjoy that, but I’m not as confident about my musical and singing abilities as I used to be. That’s probably because the last four years have seen me regress somewhat on this score.

I thought about doing some volunteering… but once more the whole thing is fraught with problems. The only opportunities available that I can find that I might be interested in are the ones working with inner city youth or young offenders. I’m not sure I have much to offer for these groups. What do I know about these kids? I may live in an area where things aren’t exactly great, but I don’t think I would be a credible mentor, having not got the experience to relate to myself.

I could retread my old stomping grounds and help in my local school again, but I feel like I’ve been there and done that.

Or maybe, joining a choir, running a choir… that would be cool. But how do you do these things? There are no choirs around her for me (I looked). Urgh.

The problem to me is that I really don’t know enough about myself. In fact, it’s a bit ridiculous that I can’t explain what my real talents and qualities are. What I could bring to the table. By not knowing, I don’t know where I can apply myself. Where I can make the best use of my skills. I know I’ve got some, I’m sure of it!

And all the while the dark spectre of having no money anyway looms. I can’t do anything until I’ve solved that one. Freedom is nothing if you can’t afford to make use of it.

That’s enough introspection for now.