Not A Good Ill Person

I’ve written before about this, but, generally speaking, and touching wood, and all other superstitious, pointless nonsense included, I am a healthy person, who very rarely gets colds, flu, coughs, sneezes, or other bacterial/virus crap. Even when in the presence of people who have, like happened over Christmas.

But at the moment I have a rather odd problem. For the past five days or so, I’ve been getting this rather bizarre and random pain “behind” my right eye, and also when I lean my head forward. It was really bad yesterday, but has been OK today. As is common with most people my age, I consulted Doctor Google, and have diagnosed myself with some sort of sinus bug.

The alternative is that my eyes are degrading from ceaseless short range vision. I am going to go to the optician next week to make sure it’s not something nasty going on with my eyes. I know my short-range vision is not as good as it used to be, but it’s not so bad I need glasses, I don’t think. We’ll see.

But I don’t like this. I’m not used to it. I’m used to feeling physically OK. I take it very much for granted. I know I shouldn’t. I should value it every day.

Or at least I should have been.

Because I am feeling less than optimal… I get grumpy. I am not used to this. I feel exceptionally sorry for myself. I feel like I should be well. I don’t take sympathy, and all I want to do is get away from people and go asleep.

I suppose everyone does a bit. Some people lap it up and enjoy taking the time to rest and relax, watch DVDs all day, recover both physically and mentally. Instead, I just get stressed out over all the work I’ve had to abandon.

Yesterday, I was out with a couple of friends (OK, not traditional friends in that they aren’t the same age as me…) and spent the time with them for several hours while feeling utterly awful. I struggled my way through the day, hardly speaking, hardly making any effort at all. I didn’t want to be there. I just felt like my day was wasted, feeling sorry for myself and unable to get away from the situation.

My neighbour thinks I’m ill because I overwork myself. It might be true. But I’m not doing anything now I didn’t do for almost six months solid from June to December of last year. And I’ve only recently come back from a two week break. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve literally only been back for 12 days. It feels like ages. Probably because I’ve been working non-stop since then.

Hopefully next week is a bit easier. It doesn’t look like it already.

Weakness And Surgery

This past week, I did something I would never have ordinarily done, but life doesn’t always go to plan.

On Monday night, my brother was complaining of pains in his abdomen. Thinking nothing of it, I went to bed… earlier than normal as I had an early start on the Tuesday morning. But during the night, I woke up two or three times to the sounds of complaints and things happening in the house. From what I could ascertain, it sounded like my brother was being taken to hospital.

I didn’t want to get up because I was desperately tired, and needed sleep critically. Tuesday was to be another of my whirlwind PC repair days, where I have a full day booking for a company which involves a couple of hours travel before and after. In any event, it was all under control, and I wouldn’t be able to help.

I did manage to go back to sleep, but woke up at least two more times, because my brain conspires against me all the time. In the end I got up at 5am, because I needed to get going.

Within about 15 minutes my dad came back on his own, with the news that he’d left my brother at the hospital as they wanted to admit him for an emergency appendectomy. Slightly shocked, I still thought there’s just nothing I can do, though. I should just go to work and ask them to keep me up to date.

I felt fine, but it wasn’t to last. Sitting on a train at 7:30am, I suddenly started to feel incredibly ill. My vision went blurred, and started flashing. I felt tired and extremely warm. I had to undo my jacket and a layer underneath, but it was no good. Next thing I knew the person sitting next to me was tapping me giving me my phone back, which I’d just dropped on the floor. Now, I didn’t drop the phone deliberately, so something made me black out. It must have just been for a couple of seconds, long enough for me drop it…

He then asked if I was OK, but I wasn’t. I said I wasn’t and then proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes holding my head and feeling really sick. I didn’t want to vomit – it was more of a “cannot possibly stay conscious” feeling. But I knew I had to, because going unconscious in public, in a fairly hostile situation (commuters aren’t the most sympathetic of characters) wasn’t an option.

By some miracle I made it to my destination. I recovered slightly, but most of all was so worried about the fact that I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. I am usually healthy all of the time. I rely on being fit on more than average number of days compared to most people to live my reasonably hectic work life. But all of a sudden I was dangerously exposed.

Once I arrived at work I told them what had happened and said I might not last very long. Bravely I tried to work for an hour, but it was no use, and I was soon making my way home. It was horrible and painful, but I did it. Fortunately.

Meanwhile, my poor brother had to undergo his surgery, but, I’m pleased to say, is making a steady recovery. It was a real worry too – and he seems to have had far worse luck than me in life so far on the health front. I went to visit him after the surgery and he looked awful. He is back to his normal self now, but will have to take it easy.

The strain all this put on the family is shocking. Already struggling to cope with what’s going on with my grandparents, my mum could do without any of us being ill as well. I really ought to get myself properly checked out, but last week all I wanted to do was just vegetate. I cancelled my plans, at great loss of income to me, and spent the last five days doing very, very little at all.

I went back to work today, and managed it OK. I still feel very run down, and desperately worried about what’s going to happen. I’ve also now gained a bizarre sense of apprehension: what if it happens again? I’m planning to make the same journey again tomorrow. But now I have to worry that something could go wrong with me – an issue I have never, ever had to consider.

I have always taken my health for granted. I suppose those of us who are healthy do that. But I really do need to try harder on this front. For instance, the week before last I missed evening meal two nights in a row. That can’t be good for me, not considering the amount of energy I need, and the bottomless pit of a stomach I seem to have. Maybe I am the architect of my own downfall…

But as my impromptu “holiday” draws to a close, I am once again filled with depression and foreboding. I don’t want to go back to my work down South, but I have no choice. It is my life now. I should just live with it and try to make it enjoyable.

Just got to get tomorrow out the way first.