The New Plan

I’m not quite sure why but for some reason I haven’t yet written about a major thing coming up in life.

Earlier in the year me and J decided to move house. We were really lucky and managed to get something which looks ideal. It looks quiet, private and most of all bigger and more comfortable.

This won’t be without shocks. I’ve lived here for nearly 7 years and having to move will be traumatic in terms of all of the things I have which I’ll need to get rid of and start again. Not to mention expensive.

But I think it will be good for both of us. It will allow us to start together in a new place which we can make our own.

The major drawback is that it is just another rented property. I know we can stay for at least 12 months and hopefully longer, but it is, at last, some form of major commitment between us to take out a joint house. In this day and age anyway.

The experience of trying to find somewhere was in itself painful. There was so much crap on the market, and nothing really of the quality I thought we needed. Estate agents messed us around and let us down so many times that it started to become a joke. Very stressful indeed and not something I want to go through again for a while!

Anyway it’s now just a few days away. Exciting.


Old, Old, Old

It’s become rather difficult to ignore the ageing process. Things now appear on me that weren’t there before. Eyes look a bit rubbish. Starting to see crow’s feet and lines under my eyes. All not good. And this really annoying jowelly shape is getting more pronounced, with lines either side of my mouth. I obsess over them, but they’re only getting worse.

This used to be the traditional birthday month. It is no longer. After last year’s shenanigans, I decided that I would never celebrate my birthday in July again.

To be honest, I don’t even want to celebrate a birthday ever again anyway.

Trouble is that other people disagree. Most people know my birthday is in July and so insist on telling me I should be happy. I’m not. I do my absolute minimum to not cause offence, but I wish they’d get the message. Of course they won’t. They’re my family and love me. They don’t understand, not without me telling them, and then they’ll think I’m going a bit daft.

At least my partner understands. We know it’s stupid, but we talk about other people having got my birthday wrong. We know it’s in November.

Either way, it’s mid summer and the year is flying by. Another year of lines on the face.

Now that’s a good point to finish.

In Sickness & In Health

It is horrible being ill, but it’s probably made worse when you’re in a relationship with me.

I am the worst ill person around. I moan and complain and generally think I’m about to die. In short, it’s better to wrap me in a bubble and put up with my constant complaints regarding not coughing into your shirt or my general direction than listen to me when I’m ill.

And so it has been recently. J is not well. He’s had a cold now for 5 days, but mercifully it’s nearly over now. I have my sympathy of course, and I do what I can, including all the cooking and the washing and occasional running around. But no more. Not even a peck on the cheek will pass my lips.

It hurts me though. It happened when he was ill for several weeks back in November and it really put a strain on our relationship. It worries me that just a little illness caused me to grow so distant. I guess I’m just a needy person I suppose. I had no cuddles or loving tenderness that I drifted away for a little while. The same has kinda happened here. But it will come back.

I hope. Last night we weren’t really talking, and when I went downstairs I found him looking through what we call the memories box. He said sorry for not being fun any more. It was all a bit sad. In truth he has a point. We don’t do anything fun these days. Everything is so serious. I almost want to go back when we were just friends as we had to find more things to do with our time than just sit and snuggle watching the TV. We had to go out and do stuff or things would get very awkward and boring.

But I just need to be more patient I suppose. I’ll feel better with things as soon as we’re both in good health. Then we can try again.

I just wish he’d stop coughing. Why does such a simple thing annoy me way out of proportion to its impact?

Aren’t I a great guy…

The BobBQ

The end of May always brings an invitation to an annual event. A client of mine has been seen so often that they have become a friend in some respects.

It’s the annual birthday barbecue which is usually somewhat painful as most of the other people there are completely not the type of people I like to hang around with.

However things have changed a little. Bob is not as healthy as he once was and it is now a little sad that if he continues down his current path he will end up being dead. So every year feels like the last.

I had to introduce Bob to my other half last year. It wasn’t exactly easy as he’s not really his type either. But I couldn’t exactly ignore Bob forever now so we’ve had to both almost become friends with him. Which has been happily a lot easier than I thought it would be. SO gets on with him and his strange family combo of ancient dad and foreign estranged wife who still looks after him.

Anyway this year’s Bob BQ went well. SO driving meant we could arrive and leave at our leisure. It was also on a closed Saturday, which is our cool new invention for our bank holiday weekends. It just makes them a bit longer and more fun. A few Saturdays closed a year isn’t going to kill our business…

We don’t have much else planned for the weekend but perhaps that’s a good thing for now. We need a rest as our business is so all encompassing that it’s just killer at times. And the thought of never having s proper holiday is just too much. I try not to think about it but it’s generally not good.

Oh well. Here’s to at least the bank holidays. An even lazier Sunday than ever…

April Chill

April has been an unusual month. Both unusually cold and also unusually new.

The new came entirely from the continued development of my relationship with my partner. The cold came from… The cold I suppose. It’s just been freezing. I looked back at photos from last year to find that I was wearing t-shirts. What happened?

The new has involved some difficulties. First amongst which has been the discovery of rather awkward issues that my partner doesn’t know I know about. They involve things that are very personal to me. I don’t really know what to do about them, but I know I must bring up the subject at some point. I won’t go into details here. I assume I will remember it when looking back on this.

These are things I’ve rarely had to do. It’s not often I know something I shouldn’t about someone’s personal life. But what I know is the type of thing that I feel like I ought to know. He should be honest with me. I shouldn’t have to sneak it out of him. Trust has to be earned and what I know has made me mistrust him to some degree.

We’ve had a few general fallings out too, often over silly things. Sometimes my fault, sometimes his. They’re normal I suppose in any relationship. We aren’t robots and we will fail often. All we can do is try. That’s ok, but when you fall out over big things like sneaking around regarding money and big purchases, especially when there are important changes potentially ahead, that also damages things a little.

We do appear to be moving on though. We are still very strong as a relationship, which is pretty good. I mean it’s only 10 months but it’s pretty good these days isn’t it? I just need to find some way of discussing these slight issues…

The only really pressing issue in my brain at the moment revolves around how and when I decide to come out to my family. In recent times this has become an issue in my mind, and that I’d start to feel better about myself if I did. I started drafting a letter because I don’t feel like this is something I can get over accurately and clearly on my terms in person. In person it could become a discussion. A single letter is a precision strike designed to get it all over with in one go. It would seem easy. It also seems the cowards way out. But I’d rather get it done somehow. If I don’t the chances of me actually being with my family at an opportune moment, given they live hundreds of miles away and have started to become very split apart, are extremely remote. Such is the nature of families growing up.

Oh well. At least our business is ok, although we could always do with more work. We have had our disappointments through the month, including difficult customers, but we survived in one piece without too many tears.

I wonder what May will bring.



Easter Sunday / Not Funday

Sunday Funday is sometimes a “thing” these days. The idea that Sunday is the only day of the week me and my partner get off in totality, so we should do something fun with it.

Last Sunday we were up at the crack of dawn to travel to Exeter. The local train company was doing cheap fares so we wanted to know how far we could go without having to pay the usual extortionate rates. We just about made our train and, this time last week, we were sitting in a Costa…

This week I type this whilst waiting for my turn in the shower. It’s Easter Sunday, in the middle of a four day bank holiday weekend, which makes it slower than ever. It’s great in that respect. We never get more than one day off in a row, so to get four is just unprecedented.

In some ways we don’t know what to do with it. My partner likes Game of Thrones. I’d never seen it. We started watching it. After 5 episodes I decided I really wasn’t enjoying it. I’m no prude but the amount of irrelevant sex just so it can be titilating and everyone will talk about it was stupid. And the stories were boring and the characters were just horrible. Not enough in it for me.

So we have to find some other way of having fun today. But no matter. Even if it was just a quiet day that would be OK to me.

We had a difficult conversation last night about my bisexuality. He knew about it of course, and it makes it weird at times, mainly because I can be a bit hot and cold regarding sexual desires. I do feel somewhat sad that maybe I will never explore the other side of me again. I’ve tried to say that but not in so many words. It is painful as I feel like an uncommitted partner “keeping my options open”. I tried to explain but the words are difficult without scaring someone away. He understands.

But one bit of me is also jealous. I know he has conversations with a couple of friends from his home town that are more friendly, from a banter point of view, that what we have. I read some of his messages the other day. I know I shouldn’t but when he is so secretive, even though I am the total opposite with my devices, I can’t help but feel that I’m missing something. I did find things which surprised me. But how do I raise them? They were what were also making me sad, but I couldn’t discuss them last night…

So today is the morning after the night before. It’s kinda a better mood now and we’re talking normally. Probably best to not say too much more right now.

Like I said, not much of a Funday…

Eight Months

This morning marks an eight month anniversary for me and my partner. It’s a nice event, and we’ve been noting almost every possible combination of anniversaries as they go. For both of us, it really has been an abnormal relationship.

First, for me, it has been my first, what I would say “proper” relationship. One in which I feel truly comfortable all the time just being me, and being all stupid and lovey-dovey. Nothing else I’ve ever had (and there have been precious few) comes close.

Second, for him, he has (apparently) never had anything like this either. He was in a relationship from the age of 16 right up to 26, with a partner who was abusive and a total dick. Of course, I only hear one side of the story. But I believe it. Love, eh?

But a smooshie relationship is what it’s meant to be, right?

He is very much a troubled soul, in need of help. You can see where things went wrong. Yesterday we visited his mother’s grave, on Mother’s Day; the poor lad lost his mum at the age of 10. We’ve been once before, and the first time we went I was in floods of tears. He is more stoical, but I could see yesterday he was genuinely sad. I was too, but tried to stay in control. Things have been depressing of late, but that’s just life isn’t it?

What I’m looking for this week, which I know I won’t get, is just a calm week. No sadness. No pressure. No external influences. Just calm. We’ve had a pretty rubbish January and February (as business isn’t great right now) but as always, with the daylight increasing (yay!) it just feels like it might be time for things to improve.

I sure hope so. At times I get buried in my own negativity. It’s inevitable as it’s just who I am. But I think it’s decreasing. And it’s all thanks to my partner.

Never really thought I’d ever say anything like that. But there we go…

Where Do We Go From Here?

As the days turn to weeks and months, just tumbling from the calendar, I begin to wonder again what it is I want from life.

I am happy with my partner. It has brought a new dimension of contentment to life. But it has brought itself other worries. Money is never far from the equation; there just isn’t enough of it. A year ago I was earning about ¬£3.5k net per month, if not better some months. These days it’s more like a few hundred pounds, and most of that is going to my partner. Not that he needs lots of money, but it’s just a more efficient way of dividing income. The tax advantages of partnership.

But as someone who was used to seeing regular steps forward, I now have a different perspective on life. It is now more like a single block of shitness, one month to the next, and then moving forward in one great leap. The trouble with this new model is I find it hard to keep myself motivated day by day…

I still worry that am going to change my mind one day, or decide that what I really need is my independence back, or, more probably, find myself completely bored of everything once again and find some desperate way to institute a change.

Right now I catch a fleeting few minutes of time on my own in the office. I am never without my partner. He is here in work with me. He is at home with me. We go out together everywhere. We just never leave each other’s side. I actually love it. It’s like us being a tag team for everything. I never thought I’d find constant contact so enjoyable.

But it probably isn’t healthy long-term. I leave the room for too long and my partner gets stressed. Vice versa is mostly true too, though I think I have a more balanced view on things. Mostly, the trouble is because my partner is a bit insecure about himself, his looks, etc. He feels the need for affirmation on a daily basis, and on bad days, more often…

I don’t know whether this will end badly. I am not at all unhappy with it right now. A tiny bit of me is sad that I never did achieve the sexual freedom that I longed to do so whilst I was “on the market” – but, then again, all I need to do is remind myself of the tragically dumb ways in which I handled my emotions back then, and suddenly I decide the grass is definitely greener on my side of the fence.

This is what my life is right now. It feels like I’ve reached a point where I could stay for a little while, but there are so many things that are actually just a little bit disappointing. Work. Life. Sex. Rest. Holidays. Partner. Money. Family. Truth. They are all things that are letting me down in some way…

I can ignore them all for now. But some of them will need to improve.