April Chill

April has been an unusual month. Both unusually cold and also unusually new.

The new came entirely from the continued development of my relationship with my partner. The cold came from… The cold I suppose. It’s just been freezing. I looked back at photos from last year to find that I was wearing t-shirts. What happened?

The new has involved some difficulties. First amongst which has been the discovery of rather awkward issues that my partner doesn’t know I know about. They involve things that are very personal to me. I don’t really know what to do about them, but I know I must bring up the subject at some point. I won’t go into details here. I assume I will remember it when looking back on this.

These are things I’ve rarely had to do. It’s not often I know something I shouldn’t about someone’s personal life. But what I know is the type of thing that I feel like I ought to know. He should be honest with me. I shouldn’t have to sneak it out of him. Trust has to be earned and what I know has made me mistrust him to some degree.

We’ve had a few general fallings out too, often over silly things. Sometimes my fault, sometimes his. They’re normal I suppose in any relationship. We aren’t robots and we will fail often. All we can do is try. That’s ok, but when you fall out over big things like sneaking around regarding money and big purchases, especially when there are important changes potentially ahead, that also damages things a little.

We do appear to be moving on though. We are still very strong as a relationship, which is pretty good. I mean it’s only 10 months but it’s pretty good these days isn’t it? I just need to find some way of discussing these slight issues…

The only really pressing issue in my brain at the moment revolves around how and when I decide to come out to my family. In recent times this has become an issue in my mind, and that I’d start to feel better about myself if I did. I started drafting a letter because I don’t feel like this is something I can get over accurately and clearly on my terms in person. In person it could become a discussion. A single letter is a precision strike designed to get it all over with in one go. It would seem easy. It also seems the cowards way out. But I’d rather get it done somehow. If I don’t the chances of me actually being with my family at an opportune moment, given they live hundreds of miles away and have started to become very split apart, are extremely remote. Such is the nature of families growing up.

Oh well. At least our business is ok, although we could always do with more work. We have had our disappointments through the month, including difficult customers, but we survived in one piece without too many tears.

I wonder what May will bring.

 

 

Easter Sunday / Not Funday

Sunday Funday is sometimes a “thing” these days. The idea that Sunday is the only day of the week me and my partner get off in totality, so we should do something fun with it.

Last Sunday we were up at the crack of dawn to travel to Exeter. The local train company was doing cheap fares so we wanted to know how far we could go without having to pay the usual extortionate rates. We just about made our train and, this time last week, we were sitting in a Costa…

This week I type this whilst waiting for my turn in the shower. It’s Easter Sunday, in the middle of a four day bank holiday weekend, which makes it slower than ever. It’s great in that respect. We never get more than one day off in a row, so to get four is just unprecedented.

In some ways we don’t know what to do with it. My partner likes Game of Thrones. I’d never seen it. We started watching it. After 5 episodes I decided I really wasn’t enjoying it. I’m no prude but the amount of irrelevant sex just so it can be titilating and everyone will talk about it was stupid. And the stories were boring and the characters were just horrible. Not enough in it for me.

So we have to find some other way of having fun today. But no matter. Even if it was just a quiet day that would be OK to me.

We had a difficult conversation last night about my bisexuality. He knew about it of course, and it makes it weird at times, mainly because I can be a bit hot and cold regarding sexual desires. I do feel somewhat sad that maybe I will never explore the other side of me again. I’ve tried to say that but not in so many words. It is painful as I feel like an uncommitted partner “keeping my options open”. I tried to explain but the words are difficult without scaring someone away. He understands.

But one bit of me is also jealous. I know he has conversations with a couple of friends from his home town that are more friendly, from a banter point of view, that what we have. I read some of his messages the other day. I know I shouldn’t but when he is so secretive, even though I am the total opposite with my devices, I can’t help but feel that I’m missing something. I did find things which surprised me. But how do I raise them? They were what were also making me sad, but I couldn’t discuss them last night…

So today is the morning after the night before. It’s kinda a better mood now and we’re talking normally. Probably best to not say too much more right now.

Like I said, not much of a Funday…

Eight Months

This morning marks an eight month anniversary for me and my partner. It’s a nice event, and we’ve been noting almost every possible combination of anniversaries as they go. For both of us, it really has been an abnormal relationship.

First, for me, it has been my first, what I would say “proper” relationship. One in which I feel truly comfortable all the time just being me, and being all stupid and lovey-dovey. Nothing else I’ve ever had (and there have been precious few) comes close.

Second, for him, he has (apparently) never had anything like this either. He was in a relationship from the age of 16 right up to 26, with a partner who was abusive and a total dick. Of course, I only hear one side of the story. But I believe it. Love, eh?

But a smooshie relationship is what it’s meant to be, right?

He is very much a troubled soul, in need of help. You can see where things went wrong. Yesterday we visited his mother’s grave, on Mother’s Day; the poor lad lost his mum at the age of 10. We’ve been once before, and the first time we went I was in floods of tears. He is more stoical, but I could see yesterday he was genuinely sad. I was too, but tried to stay in control. Things have been depressing of late, but that’s just life isn’t it?

What I’m looking for this week, which I know I won’t get, is just a calm week. No sadness. No pressure. No external influences. Just calm. We’ve had a pretty rubbish January and February (as business isn’t great right now) but as always, with the daylight increasing (yay!) it just feels like it might be time for things to improve.

I sure hope so. At times I get buried in my own negativity. It’s inevitable as it’s just who I am. But I think it’s decreasing. And it’s all thanks to my partner.

Never really thought I’d ever say anything like that. But there we go…

Where Do We Go From Here?

As the days turn to weeks and months, just tumbling from the calendar, I begin to wonder again what it is I want from life.

I am happy with my partner. It has brought a new dimension of contentment to life. But it has brought itself other worries. Money is never far from the equation; there just isn’t enough of it. A year ago I was earning about £3.5k net per month, if not better some months. These days it’s more like a few hundred pounds, and most of that is going to my partner. Not that he needs lots of money, but it’s just a more efficient way of dividing income. The tax advantages of partnership.

But as someone who was used to seeing regular steps forward, I now have a different perspective on life. It is now more like a single block of shitness, one month to the next, and then moving forward in one great leap. The trouble with this new model is I find it hard to keep myself motivated day by day…

I still worry that am going to change my mind one day, or decide that what I really need is my independence back, or, more probably, find myself completely bored of everything once again and find some desperate way to institute a change.

Right now I catch a fleeting few minutes of time on my own in the office. I am never without my partner. He is here in work with me. He is at home with me. We go out together everywhere. We just never leave each other’s side. I actually love it. It’s like us being a tag team for everything. I never thought I’d find constant contact so enjoyable.

But it probably isn’t healthy long-term. I leave the room for too long and my partner gets stressed. Vice versa is mostly true too, though I think I have a more balanced view on things. Mostly, the trouble is because my partner is a bit insecure about himself, his looks, etc. He feels the need for affirmation on a daily basis, and on bad days, more often…

I don’t know whether this will end badly. I am not at all unhappy with it right now. A tiny bit of me is sad that I never did achieve the sexual freedom that I longed to do so whilst I was “on the market” – but, then again, all I need to do is remind myself of the tragically dumb ways in which I handled my emotions back then, and suddenly I decide the grass is definitely greener on my side of the fence.

This is what my life is right now. It feels like I’ve reached a point where I could stay for a little while, but there are so many things that are actually just a little bit disappointing. Work. Life. Sex. Rest. Holidays. Partner. Money. Family. Truth. They are all things that are letting me down in some way…

I can ignore them all for now. But some of them will need to improve.

2016

Here we are then. The evening after the evening before.

Last night was a rather quiet affair. In previous years the parties have been good but last night’s was somewhat subdued. Mainly because there was no official family party this year… So we just had our own small drinking session. With music. But not much occurred. We had a decent laugh and enough food, but it just didn’t seem right. No guitars, no wider family, half of my own near family missing. It was just… sad.

The main aspect that made it worse though was the fact that I couldn’t really be properly affectionate with my partner until late. I guess it’s my own fault for not being prepared to be honest with the family. But then again, I wonder about everything like that. Would I actually want to be affectionate in public anyway? I’m really not sure. Perhaps I’m getting stressed over something that isn’t an issue. Or perhaps I’m getting stressed over it as a proxy over the actual stress of when to be honest over the relationship.

Anyway, the point of the new year post is to take a wild guess as to what may be in the year ahead. Given how badly I did last year I’m somewhat reluctant, but here we go.

First, I hope that my year with my new partner, who is the only real “partner” I’ve ever had, goes successfully. We’ve now officially been partners in crime for almost 6 months. I know I’m in love but I still worry about what else might happen and whether I’ll still feel the same way. Which is mean of me because I know he’s utterly and totally devoted to me and I shouldn’t take advantage of that. It could go the opposite way and I never really assume that could happen. Here’s to us remaining the good friends we are.

But more than that, I hope it’s a year in which I truly feel comfortable in what I’m  doing and who I am. And that I do find the courage and circumstances to tell my family about me.

Regardless of that though, I hope me and my partner have a year filled with fun and adventures. I’ve not had enough of those in my crappy life so I really could do with lots more.

Secondly, in business, I hope the IT company fully blossoms to take advantage of the interesting opportunities that it has in store. It’s going to be a really challenging year. I hope one day we can truly employ someone to help us manage the workload, but we need to see lots more money in the bank before I think we’d be safe enough taking that risk.

Thirdly, I hope I can find some way out of the predicament I’m in with the other business that is amicable and constructive. If it can end well it will be a huge relief and a massive stress from my mind.

Fourthly, I just don’t know whether we’ll ever get anywhere with the house thing. It would be nice but I worry I’m potentially going to be buying at the worst time…

Finally; as always, I hope for a safe navigation of another year for my whole family. My poor nan is not really that well any more, and I fear we’re just at the beginning of a new managed decline. Not long after the last one ended. But this is life I guess. You’re never far from the next tragedy. Other people have suffered similar over this festive period.

Here’s to the new year. I’m off to make a JD and Coke…

 

 

A Year Saved At The Death

There is an odd trait in humans. When the first phase of something is good and then bad we only remember how terrible things have become and mourn for what we have lost.

But when things happen the other way around we are much happier. Imagine… when something is rubbish to begin with we are unhappy. But then things go well and suddenly we’re really optimistic and cheerful about how things have become.

That’s what I’m left feeling about this year just ended. It started depressingly, although the actions I took in response to how I was feeling were somewhat out of character for me. For some odd reason, I decided that the answer to changing how I feel about myself was to look at my personal life, rather than the overbearing work life that I have. I decided to find out how I would react to exploring my long suppressed bisexuality…

Six months later, I began what I hope will turn out to be a long-term relationship. While in my own mind the whole thing is bizarre and has ended up being a pretty unlikely set of circumstances, I suppose my experience, which one day I will hopefully write up as a lesson for others, is actually fairly normal in the modern era. Meeting up with people via internet apps until, eventually, stumbling upon someone who I want to be with for a very long time.

In reality, that has been the biggest thing this year.

What makes it bigger is that it was not really even something on my radar this time 12 months ago. In this post there was almost no mention of anything to do with personal relationships: only in passing. Instead, everything I wrote about was business-related.

The second biggest thing flows exactly from that: virtually everything I predicted on that subject was wrong.

I thought I was on the verge of starting a house building empire. I thought that my “other business” was on the verge of greatness. I thought that my main business was on its way out. All wrong.

My main business has gone even bigger. I now have a business partner. I now am looking to take on some serious work, with lots scheduled for the New Year already. My other business is nearly completely without my involvement, as I’ve negotiated my way out of it due to falling out with the other partner over his continuous inability to not preserve money in the business. And the house building, and any other dream I had with it, is long since dead, abandoned in a glorious waste of thousands of pounds.

But on reflection, I’m happy with it all. The outcome couldn’t really be much better, when I was really worried that my life was just slowly driving into the mud. And that’s weird, as so many months of it were really stressful and difficult for me to just keep going. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever cried so much as I have this year…

As I write this, again, trying to avoid causing too much suspicion as to my secret scribblings, I am basically just waiting for the New Year so I can go to bed. It probably won’t turn out that way, as I’m sure I will enjoy myself at our small family gathering. But I can’t help being miserable at times. It’s just in my nature. I’ve been trying my hardest to adjust this so as not to constantly depress my partner too, but it’s been a bit difficult… it’s hard to change 30 years of nature.

Ah yes, 30. The repressed age. The age that has caused so many problems. For the whole year I’ve been telling people I’m 28, including my partner – though he does now know the truth. Yet somehow, I’m still 28 now in my brain. I . I will probably continue to lie until I’m ready to accept it. I hate ageing. I hate the way I look. I hate the lines on my face. I hate my hair. It’s just awful. I desperately hope there is something I can do, but there isn’t. I cling onto this hope that something will crop up as it’s a way of living in denial about the truth.

The truth that, slowly, I’m creeping towards death.

Yesterday me and my partner sat down together on some stone steps looking up to some incredible architecture in the city centre. It was a moment that summed up the year beautifully. We held hands (secretly, although there were only a couple of people passing) and just soaked up the moment and the atmosphere. We even risked a kiss. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to draw attention to myself. Maybe I’ll feel braver eventually. Society still feels tricky at times, and I’m not convinced it’s truly ready to accept complete equality of love openly in public.

It’s been a Really Good Year, in spite of the problems I’ve had and the problems I’ve created for myself. That’s right, a Really Good Year. I’m not sure there’s ever been one of those.

Thank you 2015. You’ve been a real eye opener.

10 Years of Blogging, 1 Year of Nothing

24 December, while being Christmas Eve, is also the day I normally celebrate my Blogiversary. The day in which I decided, in 2004, to start keeping a blog. It’s a day on which I reflect of all the things blogging has done for me, whether that makes sense or otherwise.

In most respects it has, because of the opportunity it gives me to vent. This year, however, it hasn’t. Not properly. I’ve used it very rarely, and, even then, only on the same subject of my attempt to come to terms with who I am. I suppose that still counts.

But it hasn’t been enough. I have made some mistakes this year. In fact, quite a lot. And sometimes just stopping and reflecting every week or two is an interesting experience, to think carefully about what I’ve done, and wonder whether the present course is doing me right.

I haven’t done that enough. I’ve been a bit more self-centred than I’ve ever been this last year. And that self-centredness has led to me even fewer periods in front of my computer. Just me, my brain and my typing fingers. Not enough times.

Never mind. Perhaps it was inevitable that one day I’d have some sort of significant change in my circumstances that meant I wouldn’t either a) feel the need; or b) have the opportunity to write about my life.

But right now, none of it matters. I am home, amongst my family, and with my partner. That bit is a secret. But the holiday, the relaxing, the family shenanigans… they are all real. And they make me feel happy.

The biggest irony? I type this while everyone else is watching EastEnders. A show I hate, and one my family watches. I hide while they get on with the inevitable. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Families are all about acceptable compromises.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas With Two

There is a lot that hasn’t been written on here for quite some time.

The main reason is that I do not have an opportunity to do so any more.

It’s funny how life is completely different when you have a partner.

It was a bit weird to come to terms with at first, but now, after 5.5 months, it is just routine. And yet it’s not. Every day I wake up and think how interesting my life has become. How much more worthwhile living.

And yet it has also become more challenging. I have now a metaphor for my life, which technonerds would understand. Our relationship is like a RAID 0 array. When errors happen on one side, it affects the other. The whole array is reliant on constantly being in a good state.

Here we are at Christmas. It is, after much careful negotiation, and continuous subterfuge, a family Christmas. Me and my partner are both home, staying with my family. In separate beds. Back in the loft I used to live in.

It’s all temporary, of course. Yesterday, we drove the long drive Up North. It was fun and nerve-wracking. But it was worth it. We’re now a long way away from work, and now enjoying relaxing in other people’s company. It’s been nervous for both of us, as my partner gets introduced to the rest of the family without anyone actually knowing that he’s my partner.

Yes, he.

The other bit of my life, the bi-sexuality that I’ve always been in some denial about, has exerted itself. In the end, I had no control over it. It was emotional, and stressful. And I still don’t know for sure if I’ve made the right choice, and truly wish to stick with it.

But my partner has ended up being one hell of a find. And worth risking everything for.

How ironic that I write this with no one around. No chance of being overheard. In a snatched 10 minutes.

Here’s to Christmas.