Eight Months

This morning marks an eight month anniversary for me and my partner. It’s a nice event, and we’ve been noting almost every possible combination of anniversaries as they go. For both of us, it really has been an abnormal relationship.

First, for me, it has been my first, what I would say “proper” relationship. One in which I feel truly comfortable all the time just being me, and being all stupid and lovey-dovey. Nothing else I’ve ever had (and there have been precious few) comes close.

Second, for him, he has (apparently) never had anything like this either. He was in a relationship from the age of 16 right up to 26, with a partner who was abusive and a total dick. Of course, I only hear one side of the story. But I believe it. Love, eh?

But a smooshie relationship is what it’s meant to be, right?

He is very much a troubled soul, in need of help. You can see where things went wrong. Yesterday we visited his mother’s grave, on Mother’s Day; the poor lad lost his mum at the age of 10. We’ve been once before, and the first time we went I was in floods of tears. He is more stoical, but I could see yesterday he was genuinely sad. I was too, but tried to stay in control. Things have been depressing of late, but that’s just life isn’t it?

What I’m looking for this week, which I know I won’t get, is just a calm week. No sadness. No pressure. No external influences. Just calm. We’ve had a pretty rubbish January and February (as business isn’t great right now) but as always, with the daylight increasing (yay!) it just feels like it might be time for things to improve.

I sure hope so. At times I get buried in my own negativity. It’s inevitable as it’s just who I am. But I think it’s decreasing. And it’s all thanks to my partner.

Never really thought I’d ever say anything like that. But there we go…

Where Do We Go From Here?

As the days turn to weeks and months, just tumbling from the calendar, I begin to wonder again what it is I want from life.

I am happy with my partner. It has brought a new dimension of contentment to life. But it has brought itself other worries. Money is never far from the equation; there just isn’t enough of it. A year ago I was earning about ¬£3.5k net per month, if not better some months. These days it’s more like a few hundred pounds, and most of that is going to my partner. Not that he needs lots of money, but it’s just a more efficient way of dividing income. The tax advantages of partnership.

But as someone who was used to seeing regular steps forward, I now have a different perspective on life. It is now more like a single block of shitness, one month to the next, and then moving forward in one great leap. The trouble with this new model is I find it hard to keep myself motivated day by day…

I still worry that am going to change my mind one day, or decide that what I really need is my independence back, or, more probably, find myself completely bored of everything once again and find some desperate way to institute a change.

Right now I catch a fleeting few minutes of time on my own in the office. I am never without my partner. He is here in work with me. He is at home with me. We go out together everywhere. We just never leave each other’s side. I actually love it. It’s like us being a tag team for everything. I never thought I’d find constant contact so enjoyable.

But it probably isn’t healthy long-term. I leave the room for too long and my partner gets stressed. Vice versa is mostly true too, though I think I have a more balanced view on things. Mostly, the trouble is because my partner is a bit insecure about himself, his looks, etc. He feels the need for affirmation on a daily basis, and on bad days, more often…

I don’t know whether this will end badly. I am not at all unhappy with it right now. A tiny bit of me is sad that I never did achieve the sexual freedom that I longed to do so whilst I was “on the market” – but, then again, all I need to do is remind myself of the tragically dumb ways in which I handled my emotions back then, and suddenly I decide the grass is definitely greener on my side of the fence.

This is what my life is right now. It feels like I’ve reached a point where I could stay for a little while, but there are so many things that are actually just a little bit disappointing. Work. Life. Sex. Rest. Holidays. Partner. Money. Family. Truth. They are all things that are letting me down in some way…

I can ignore them all for now. But some of them will need to improve.

2016

Here we are then. The evening after the evening before.

Last night was a rather quiet affair. In previous years the parties have been good but last night’s was somewhat subdued. Mainly because there was no official family party this year… So we just had our own small drinking session. With music. But not much occurred. We had a decent laugh and enough food, but it just didn’t seem right. No guitars, no wider family, half of my own near family missing. It was just… sad.

The main aspect that made it worse though was the fact that I couldn’t really be properly affectionate with my partner until late. I guess it’s my own fault for not being prepared to be honest with the family. But then again, I wonder about everything like that. Would I actually want to be affectionate in public anyway? I’m really not sure. Perhaps I’m getting stressed over something that isn’t an issue. Or perhaps I’m getting stressed over it as a proxy over the actual stress of when to be honest over the relationship.

Anyway, the point of the new year post is to take a wild guess as to what may be in the year ahead. Given how badly I did last year I’m somewhat reluctant, but here we go.

First, I hope that my year with my new partner, who is the only real “partner” I’ve ever had, goes successfully. We’ve now officially been partners in crime for almost 6 months. I know I’m in love but I still worry about what else might happen and whether I’ll still feel the same way. Which is mean of me because I know he’s utterly and totally devoted to me and I shouldn’t take advantage of that. It could go the opposite way and I never really assume that could happen. Here’s to us remaining the good friends we are.

But more than that, I hope it’s a year in which I truly feel comfortable in what I’m ¬†doing and who I am. And that I do find the courage and circumstances to tell my family about me.

Regardless of that though, I hope me and my partner have a year filled with fun and adventures. I’ve not had enough of those in my crappy life so I really could do with lots more.

Secondly, in business, I hope the IT company fully blossoms to take advantage of the interesting opportunities that it has in store. It’s going to be a really challenging year. I hope one day we can truly employ someone to help us manage the workload, but we need to see lots more money in the bank before I think we’d be safe enough taking that risk.

Thirdly, I hope I can find some way out of the predicament I’m in with the other business that is amicable and constructive. If it can end well it will be a huge relief and a massive stress from my mind.

Fourthly, I just don’t know whether we’ll ever get anywhere with the house thing. It would be nice but I worry I’m potentially going to be buying at the worst time…

Finally; as always, I hope for a safe navigation of another year for my whole family. My poor nan is not really that well any more, and I fear we’re just at the beginning of a new managed decline. Not long after the last one ended. But this is life I guess. You’re never far from the next tragedy. Other people have suffered similar over this festive period.

Here’s to the new year. I’m off to make a JD and Coke…

 

 

A Year Saved At The Death

There is an odd trait in humans. When the first phase of something is good and then bad we only remember how terrible things have become and mourn for what we have lost.

But when things happen the other way around we are much happier. Imagine… when something is rubbish to begin with we are unhappy. But then things go well and suddenly we’re really optimistic and cheerful about how things have become.

That’s what I’m left feeling about this year just ended. It started depressingly, although the actions I took in response to how I was feeling were somewhat out of character for me. For some odd reason, I decided that the answer to changing how I feel about myself was to look at my personal life, rather than the overbearing work life that I have. I decided to find out how I would react to exploring my long suppressed bisexuality…

Six months later, I began what I hope will turn out to be a long-term relationship. While in my own mind the whole thing is bizarre and has ended up being a pretty unlikely set of circumstances, I suppose my experience, which one day I will hopefully write up as a lesson for others, is actually fairly normal in the modern era. Meeting up with people via internet apps until, eventually, stumbling upon someone who I want to be with for a very long time.

In reality, that has been the biggest thing this year.

What makes it bigger is that it was not really even something on my radar this time 12 months ago. In this post there was almost no mention of anything to do with personal relationships: only in passing. Instead, everything I wrote about was business-related.

The second biggest thing flows exactly from that: virtually everything I predicted on that subject was wrong.

I thought I was on the verge of starting a house building empire. I thought that my “other business” was on the verge of greatness. I thought that my main business was on its way out. All wrong.

My main business has gone even bigger. I now have a business partner. I now am looking to take on some serious work, with lots scheduled for the New Year already. My other business is nearly completely without my involvement, as I’ve negotiated my way out of it due to falling out with the other partner over his continuous inability to not preserve money in the business. And the house building, and any other dream I had with it, is long since dead, abandoned in a glorious waste of thousands of pounds.

But on reflection, I’m happy with it all. The outcome couldn’t really be much better, when I was really worried that my life was just slowly driving into the mud. And that’s weird, as so many months of it were really stressful and difficult for me to just keep going. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever cried so much as I have this year…

As I write this, again, trying to avoid causing too much suspicion as to my secret scribblings, I am basically just waiting for the New Year so I can go to bed. It probably won’t turn out that way, as I’m sure I will enjoy myself at our small family gathering. But I can’t help being miserable at times. It’s just in my nature. I’ve been trying my hardest to adjust this so as not to constantly depress my partner too, but it’s been a bit difficult… it’s hard to change 30 years of nature.

Ah yes, 30. The repressed age. The age that has caused so many problems. For the whole year I’ve been telling people I’m 28, including my partner – though he does now know the truth. Yet somehow, I’m still 28 now in my brain. I . I will probably continue to lie until I’m ready to accept it. I hate ageing. I hate the way I look. I hate the lines on my face. I hate my hair. It’s just awful. I desperately hope there is something I can do, but there isn’t. I cling onto this hope that something will crop up as it’s a way of living in denial about the truth.

The truth that, slowly, I’m creeping towards death.

Yesterday me and my partner sat down together on some stone steps looking up to some incredible architecture in the city centre. It was a moment that summed up the year beautifully. We held hands (secretly, although there were only a couple of people passing) and just soaked up the moment and the atmosphere. We even risked a kiss. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to draw attention to myself. Maybe I’ll feel braver eventually. Society still feels tricky at times, and I’m not convinced it’s truly ready to accept complete equality of love openly in public.

It’s been a Really Good Year, in spite of the problems I’ve had and the problems I’ve created for myself. That’s right, a Really Good Year. I’m not sure there’s ever been one of those.

Thank you 2015. You’ve been a real eye opener.

10 Years of Blogging, 1 Year of Nothing

24 December, while being Christmas Eve, is also the day I normally celebrate my Blogiversary. The day in which I decided, in 2004, to start keeping a blog. It’s a day on which I reflect of all the things blogging has done for me, whether that makes sense or otherwise.

In most respects it has, because of the opportunity it gives me to vent. This year, however, it hasn’t. Not properly. I’ve used it very rarely, and, even then, only on the same subject of my attempt to come to terms with who I am. I suppose that still counts.

But it hasn’t been enough. I have made some mistakes this year. In fact, quite a lot. And sometimes just stopping and reflecting every week or two is an interesting experience, to think carefully about what I’ve done, and wonder whether the present course is doing me right.

I haven’t done that enough. I’ve been a bit more self-centred than I’ve ever been this last year. And that self-centredness has led to me even fewer periods in front of my computer. Just me, my brain and my typing fingers. Not enough times.

Never mind. Perhaps it was inevitable that one day I’d have some sort of significant change in my circumstances that meant I wouldn’t either a) feel the need; or b) have the opportunity to write about my life.

But right now, none of it matters. I am home, amongst my family, and with my partner. That bit is a secret. But the holiday, the relaxing, the family shenanigans… they are all real. And they make me feel happy.

The biggest irony? I type this while everyone else is watching EastEnders. A show I hate, and one my family watches. I hide while they get on with the inevitable. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Families are all about acceptable compromises.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas With Two

There is a lot that hasn’t been written on here for quite some time.

The main reason is that I do not have an opportunity to do so any more.

It’s funny how life is completely different when you have a partner.

It was a bit weird to come to terms with at first, but now, after 5.5 months, it is just routine. And yet it’s not. Every day I wake up and think how interesting my life has become. How much more worthwhile living.

And yet it has also become more challenging. I have now a metaphor for my life, which technonerds would understand. Our relationship is like a RAID 0 array. When errors happen on one side, it affects the other. The whole array is reliant on constantly being in a good state.

Here we are at Christmas. It is, after much careful negotiation, and continuous subterfuge, a family Christmas. Me and my partner are both home, staying with my family. In separate beds. Back in the loft I used to live in.

It’s all temporary, of course. Yesterday, we drove the long drive Up North. It was fun and nerve-wracking. But it was worth it. We’re now a long way away from work, and now enjoying relaxing in other people’s company. It’s been nervous for both of us, as my partner gets introduced to the rest of the family without anyone actually knowing that he’s my partner.

Yes, he.

The other bit of my life, the bi-sexuality that I’ve always been in some denial about, has exerted itself. In the end, I had no control over it. It was emotional, and stressful. And I still don’t know for sure if I’ve made the right choice, and truly wish to stick with it.

But my partner has ended up being one hell of a find. And worth risking everything for.

How ironic that I write this with no one around. No chance of being overheard. In a snatched 10 minutes.

Here’s to Christmas.

An Update

It’s been a while, and in good time I will correct the gaps that have appeared. I thought about drafting posts while offline but didn’t.

I haven’t really been offline. I have just been undergoing a significant change in my life. It has been an emotional rollercoaster, but 100% the right thing to do.

All is well. And I am happier in life than I have been in some time.

Until next time…

Secrets

Written over a year later

At this point in my life it had become apparent that the path I had started to venture down was going to involve secrets. Lots of them.

I’ve always been a fantastic confidante. The main reason being, of course, that I have no friends, so no one to gossip to. OK, that’s probably being a little mean. But in general, I am relaxed about secrets and can keep them.

By now mine and J’s relationship was beginning to take shape. But the chief part of it was the simple secret that both he and I were happy to never tell or imply anything to anyone. In circumstances were it demanded it – maybe serious illness – we’d bend the rules. In general, however, we would always behave like we were just really good friends who enjoy each others company. I realise that sounds super lame, and possibly even hyper-modern in the “friends with benefits” sense, but it didn’t mean to be that way.

In reality, though, such secrets are, I think, quite easy in the early days. People don’t suspect anything if you don’t give them the ammunition. I’m not a naturally outgoing person, so I don’t volunteer information. J is similar, although at times certain people we know are pretty good at extracting things from him. He is less cautious than I am, primarily because he has been “out” before. And that’s fine, as I wasn’t ready. Still not, in fact. Not sure I’ll ever be.

But now for him the shoe is on the other foot. Once again he’s in a different place where he is not out again. And that’s why I hate that we make such a thing of out versus in. I don’t give a shit. Why do I have to confess to everyone I ever meet – hold on a moment, stop this lads banter please – do please note here that I am not in tune with it. J doesn’t want to do that, actually. Neither do I. We just want to get on with our lives. It doesn’t affect you at all.

Having said that, it hasn’t bothered me before. Being bisexual, it really doesn’t matter. I object a bit to banter anyway as I find it a bit awkward, and, in any case, I don’t think it’s nice to talk about women in that way.

So we resolved just be to secret about it. We can do that. It should work. Maybe we’ll slip one day, or get caught in something awkward. But until then, we’ll see how it rolls.