Written over a year later
At this point in my life it had become apparent that the path I had started to venture down was going to involve secrets. Lots of them.
I’ve always been a fantastic confidante. The main reason being, of course, that I have no friends, so no one to gossip to. OK, that’s probably being a little mean. But in general, I am relaxed about secrets and can keep them.
By now mine and J’s relationship was beginning to take shape. But the chief part of it was the simple secret that both he and I were happy to never tell or imply anything to anyone. In circumstances were it demanded it – maybe serious illness – we’d bend the rules. In general, however, we would always behave like we were just really good friends who enjoy each others company. I realise that sounds super lame, and possibly even hyper-modern in the “friends with benefits” sense, but it didn’t mean to be that way.
In reality, though, such secrets are, I think, quite easy in the early days. People don’t suspect anything if you don’t give them the ammunition. I’m not a naturally outgoing person, so I don’t volunteer information. J is similar, although at times certain people we know are pretty good at extracting things from him. He is less cautious than I am, primarily because he has been “out” before. And that’s fine, as I wasn’t ready. Still not, in fact. Not sure I’ll ever be.
But now for him the shoe is on the other foot. Once again he’s in a different place where he is not out again. And that’s why I hate that we make such a thing of out versus in. I don’t give a shit. Why do I have to confess to everyone I ever meet – hold on a moment, stop this lads banter please – do please note here that I am not in tune with it. J doesn’t want to do that, actually. Neither do I. We just want to get on with our lives. It doesn’t affect you at all.
Having said that, it hasn’t bothered me before. Being bisexual, it really doesn’t matter. I object a bit to banter anyway as I find it a bit awkward, and, in any case, I don’t think it’s nice to talk about women in that way.
So we resolved just be to secret about it. We can do that. It should work. Maybe we’ll slip one day, or get caught in something awkward. But until then, we’ll see how it rolls.