Day 2

WARNING – this post is, again, off track compared to everything else here. See previous two posts for context – The Complicated Feelings and The Gays of Grindr.

In my last couple of months trying to be a bit more accepting of my bisexuality, I have now established something of a pattern. I’m sure others have observed this too – but it frustrates me incredibly…

It is possible that, just once in a while, whilst browsing “meet up” apps like Grindr and Hornet that you will either start a conversation with someone, or someone else will start a conversation with you, which clicks quite well. You have a decent chat with them, getting to know them a little bit, and revealing a bit about yourself, with mutually positive reactions. It all seems to go so well. You add them as a favourite.

Then Day 2 happens.

There is something very odd about gay and bi guys on these apps, in my experience. Most of them are entirely arrogant and ignorant. They behave in ways that you would never get away with in person, because if you did you’d be the most hated person alive. It is routine for guys to not even acknowledge a hello. It is standard for guys to block people if they don’t fit their perfect conception of what they’re looking for. Imagine if someone said a perfectly innocent hello to you in a bar and you turned away from them and acted like they didn’t even exist. You’d get a load of abuse!

But what’s even more bizarre, and actually more hurtful, is when guys don’t even bother on Day 2. Why even give the other guy some hope, some acknowledgement, in the first place? Is it really that hard for people to say, “Thanks man, but you’re not my type”. Or “I’m really flattered but I don’t feel the same, sorry”. Because that’s the only conclusion I can draw… they just pretended and went along with the conversation on Day 1, with the knowledge that on Day 2 they’d be able to just completely, totally and utterly ignore your messages.

I can count the number of incidences of this now in the dozens. It would be different if they were all initiated by me, but actually they are about 50/50. Yes, I know everyone isn’t compatible, and maybe the other guy has since had a better offer, but – again – is it really that hard to communicate? “Thanks but I’m seeing another guy now”, “Sorry mate I don’t think I want to meet you, but we could still chat and maybe be friends?”

Friends. The concept that doesn’t even seem to enter into people’s minds. Just because you aren’t physically attracted to someone, maybe they could still be a platonic friend? We may all be horny from time to time, but, please, get over yourself if you think I couldn’t contain my physical attraction and convert it into ordinary friendship. Sure, some guys aren’t looking for friends, but I’m willing to wager that many of them are pretty lonely…

I almost feel uncomfortable with all of this, because I feel like I don’t belong in such a group of horrible people. I usually give people a couple of attempts, one message, one day; another message a couple of days later. And then if they still don’t respond, I give them one final spiel a few days later: “Don’t understand why you’re being so ignorant, man. Doesn’t take much to have some manners and say you’re not interested, surely?”

It usually gets no reply, but at least I feel better.

I am not a rude person. I was brought up with manners. Even if the online world is different to the real world, we should still be kind. It’s another human out there reading your text; it’s not a fucking emotionless robot. I reply to nearly everyone, even the guys who are of no interest to me. I have had some nice chats with them, and everyone is an interesting character with different stories to tell.

I just wish others could repay that compliment.

Otherwise, you’re just a rude, arrogant, ignorant fuck.

Someone should start a campaign to make people behave a bit better on meet up apps.

Give your fellow human a break, please.

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  1. You’ve pretty much summed up how I feel about Grindr and other gay hook up apps. I’ll admit that I was a bit of a fool and went to Grindr looking primarily for friends, which is kind of like looking for a needle in a haystack. The ones I really hate are the ones that talk to you like crazy, get you all hot and bothered. You send a picture (G-rated or R-rated, take your pick) and then radio silence. Or worse, you’re blocked.

    The world is a lonely place. I’d hazard a guess that a lot of the guys on Grindr aren’t about to admit that they are lonely too.

    Good post.

    • Thanks for your interesting comment. You’re right, friends is not the done thing on these apps, yet you can count dozens of profiles which say things like “just friends please” or “mates only” or “chat first!” or whatever. And yet try and interact with them and you’ll instantly either get a block or ignored!

  2. Yeah, being on one of those sites can leave a bad taste in your mouth. I’ve run across guys who are just so ignorant and all about their agenda that they can’t even bother with the “small talk” – you’re either gonna give it up to them the way they want it or you can take a hike.

    If you’re a bi guy looking for more than just sex, finding someone more like you is possible but, in my many experiences with this, not very damned likely. It’s frustrating; it can make you start to second guess yourself along many lines including creating doubts about being bisexual.

    They call them “gay dating sites” but they are about anything other than dating or just being able to find a friend. It’s about overblown egos and unreasonable agendas along with a lot of other things that are just unappetizing… but sites like this are almost the only game in town (other than attending LGBT functions) if you want to meet men and with some degree of discretion.

    Great post – I really do feel your pain in this!

    • You’re quite right. The ignorance and agenda is frightening.

      There are, to be fair, some guys out there who do give you a break, and have a chat, but even those have their limits. They chat as a prelude to sex. Or a date, which then leads to sex. So if you wanna chat too much, you hit the wall and you have to either escalate it or end it! Or they try to escalate it, so you have to make the choice too…

      But yes, the fundamental point I had at the time was that the gay guys I was interacting with were clearly making me feel like I would not fit or feel comfortable at all in this community. There is a lot of talk about “non scene” and “straight acting” gays, and I do indeed fit in this kind of world, but trying to find friends whilst fishing in that particular pool appears to be actually completely incompatible.

      I have found my bisexual exploration quite frustrating. After a further month (time flies so quickly!) I have a whole raft of material now that I could write up but I’m not going to turn my personal blog into that. I could write it up elsewhere I suppose.


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