The Complicated Feelings

I’ve never directly addressed anything like this on this journal before – in 10 years! – but I feel like this is a good moment to do so.

When I was in school I used to fantasise about girls. They were definitely the object of my desires. I have numerous distinct memories of being attracted to girls in my class, and girls in the school. This made me happy, because boys are cruel. It was very difficult for anyone who had any sort of camp/effeminate nature. I used to feel sorry for those who were, and in fact I counted a couple of the ones who were constantly accused of being “gay” amongst my friends.

So I was just normal, and so I kept under the radar. I was pleased. I don’t think I’d have survived any type of bullying or victimisation. I put up with the most moderate stuff, and that was bad enough for me, because I’m so sensitive. I take everything to heart and over-analyse it.

The complicated step was around the age of 16, when I also started to develop attractions to boys as well. As you can imagine, this totally confused me. I had a rather strange phase just before my 16th birthday when I very definitely went through a phase of being gay. It was weird. I accepted the feelings because I felt they were clearly just passing. I’d heard of getting confused by hormones and other tales of teenage woe, so I just went with it. I felt they would go away again, and I’d return to being heterosexual.

They never did.

But neither did the other feelings.

Being teenaged and hormone-filled, it didn’t really feel bad to me. It just felt like I was being horny regarding both sexes. But I did worry. I did worry about being gay, because a) I had no desire to go through such a stressful period with family and friends explaining it; and b) I was most definitely not someone who acted or behaved gay. I have my camp moments, as, in fact, all men do – because we sometimes do it very well for comic effect – but, in the main, I am pretty much just an ordinary guy. The thought of being gay and being associated with all the negative stereotypes worried me greatly.

My life path has wound forward some years since then. Since early dalliances in my teens, I have never “done anything” regarding my homosexuality. I have repressed it to some degree. I have always looked at (some) guys and thought “yeah, he’s nice” – but I have never thought “I should ask him on a date”. I have thought “he’s cute” but never “I’d like to…” – fill in the blank. It’s never appealed to me. Perhaps it’s repression, but I think it’s also that I just don’t feel 100% that I’d like to be intimate with a man.

On the other hand, I feel completely comfortable with being intimate with women. Not that it happens very often (I don’t write about everything on here) but I am happy speaking to women and getting to erm know them better. It is tragically all too rare, especially since Uni days are over, but that aspect of me feels normal.

So I’ve always thought that I’m pretty much a heterosexual, because the homosexual side of me just doesn’t feel all that comfortable with existing. I am certain, though, that it’s part of my unintentional repression. But if I became an exclusive heterosexual, then it wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing anything.

In the last year or so, however, I’ve began to accept that I’m actually a bisexual. Of course, this was obvious from day one, and I should have thought about this when I was 16 ish. I like both. Not equally. And not in the same way. I’m genuinely uncertain that I’d ever actually enjoy a long-term relationship with a man.

My new accepting mindset was an attempt to try and smoke out whether that too was a repression. And after the last few months of testing out my feelings quite extensively (utilising social apps…) I am reasonably confident that it’s not. Gay guys are incredibly difficult for me to get along with. They are extra fussy, they are a little untrustworthy (but that may just be the nature of the people on social apps) and they are almost universally not my type – i.e. they are too effeminate/camp.

But it’s been an interesting experience. The crap chat and rubbish banter, and the incredibly dismissive, arrogant and downright rudeness is enough to tell me I may be onto a loser here. I think I’m an ordinary, normal person, who shows genuine interest in others, and as such am really easy to get along with. But none of it was reciprocated.

I’ll write more extensively about my experience in the future. I just wanted to set a benchmark here that it may be a future topic…

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  1. The Gays Of Grindr | A Grown Up Now. In Theory.
  2. Day 2 | A Grown Up Now. In Theory.

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