Schmocktober

Another new month begins, and once more I’m in a waiting game.

I don’t know how and why this kind of thing keeps happening to me, but at present a couple of things have changed which have opened up life to yet more sitting around waiting for something to happen.

Firstly, my housemate has told me that he’s leaving. This was somewhat glorious news, but I had to pretend I was a little disappointed, of course. But – and here’s the big but – I don’t believe a word he tells me any more.

In truth, I failed. I let myself believe that he might actually be telling me the truth for once. Indeed, I even saw him pack up two boxes of crap that have been in the living room since we moved in here (ridiculous, I know) and take them with him. I could hardly believe it. It must have been true. His exact words: “I’ll probably be leaving sooner rather than later”.

Skip forward three weeks, and nothing else has happened. In fact, at a chance discussion last night, he revealed that he’d probably be here for a while now. Erm.

So now I’m annoyed with myself for believing something he told me, when I have been telling myself not to believe anything he says for months. I should have just rolled with it, and not let myself get excited for finally getting my own bit of freedom, because now it feels snatched away from me. If he left, it would remove all the pressure I have on myself to try and get out of the situation I’m in, which is made far more difficult for me because; a) my business makes it useful I stay here; and b) I don’t have the money to buy around here; c) I don’t have the logistical support to move far anyway.

The next step is just waiting. Waiting for something to happen. That is the story of my life.

Meanwhile, on a work front, I have had some relatively Good News, that might help push my business forward financially. I am waiting on a big deal with a relatively large company. If I get it, it will provide a good income stream, and security too.

But did you see that magic word in that last sentence? WAITING.

Every day that ticks by, I feel older. I am finally accepting that I am just not young any more. I am 27 now. Yes, it’s not “old” in context, but the fact is that there are a number of things in my life that I really ought to have done by now. Like, maybe, found some happiness relationship-wise.

I hate thinking about things like that, but in my quieter moments, and always in the back of my mind, it is a nagging doubt.

Here’s to a good month…

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