If Only Something Different Happened

Life is a ceaseless procession of “if onlys” if you’re a negative person like me. Recent weeks have been another mishmash of them. I have spent most of my time working, and it’s only when I get moments like this, to look back, do I start to think how pretty sad the whole thing is.

In recent days I’ve finally got back to normal, as I spent yet another week away back at the Real Home. The real home is always good, but has very large depressing issues. The main one being the constant reminder it brings that I would probably prefer to be closer to my family than I am. But it’s only when I’m there do I feel this. I think I have observed this before, but absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder at all. If you’re absent, and you’re busy, your heart forgets.

That’s the devastating thing about humanity, really. It is actually rather easy to move on, and move on from something you may have thought was actually pretty essential to your life. We are great at adapting. We shut things out, mentally, sometimes consciously, sometimes wholly by accident, and other times our sub-conscious does the rest. I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday who had spent the past few years after university living away studying for a PhD. The time has come and gone like a shot, and now it’s all over and he’s doing something else. He said it was weird at first, but it soon goes.

I understood perfectly. I have been back for just three days, and already it’s like I’ve never been away. I’ve spent all three days working pretty hard and earning a decent living. It’s nothing spectacular, but I’m happy with it. It could be better, and it might still be depending on what happens in the next few months. I’ve been saying that for ages now though. If only something might actually happen. Never mind something different.

But what grates most of all is that it’s so easy to just fall into a nice comfortable niche. The days all pass by without much relevance. You do stuff, you speak to people, you go to bed. Repeat. If only something different happened.

It’s in these times that time slips away. Time to actually do something different vanishes. You spend 99% of your life ploughing your well worn furrow just so that you can do something different in that shockingly-slim sliver of light in the remaining 1%.

That’s not life. Not really. That’s just existence. And, if we were all honest, that is what we do. We do it because we have no choice.

If only something different happened.

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