The Low

I’ve had a mixed few days.

On Wednesday night, my parents finally found some time to come and visit me. They arrived at 11pm, and stayed here until earlier today. During those past few days I had calls galore, and they’ve seen how much work I’m doing these days. In truth, they’ve seen me during an unusually busy week. And that’s been a bit annoying for me. I wanted to go out and do a lot more with them.

Not only that, but we had been somewhat thwarted by the weather anyway. The early summer of sunshine has long since given way to day after day of changeable conditions, from wind and rain to some sun, then back to wind and rain again. It meant we didn’t quite do as much as we’d hoped, but we did, at least, sort out my garden. A garden which is a true disaster, and is always left for me to look after.

It was nice to see them, and it was unusual as well. Having them here with no brothers and sisters to distract, or other family involvement, it was rather special to get their undivided attention. Though we didn’t really talk about anything major, like the ongoing situation with my poor younger brother, it was still great to have them around helping me out for a few days. I couldn’t have done the garden without their help, and even a simple thing like Thursday night, when I was working on two laptops at once and had no time to make food, with my mum stepping into the breach to make it, was wonderful.

And now they’ve gone again. Meanwhile, my housemate has returned.

It’s a drastic change. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have them here in the first place. I’m now missing them badly, and have swooped into a severe depressional low. This morning I was close to cracking several times as I thought about saying goodbye, again, and thinking about my housemate returning.

It’s not that I don’t get on with him at times, I just don’t think this arrangement is working out very well. Me trying to run a business, which is wholly dependent on me living here with him, relying on the use of his services for the odd remote collection and delivery. I know too that he wants another job. I know too that there has to be a fair prospect he will be made redundant in the next year. I know too that he never has any intention of joining me full-time in this business, which was the medium-term goal.

In which case, I have to start looking at the options. But there are none. I can’t live on my own. I can’t afford it. I can’t start a random house-share, or become a lodger, because it is not viable as a business to use someone else’s house as my business premises. Even being able to drive is not the magic bullet, because the costs of that would make the prospect of living in my own house even more remote.

Earlier today, the sudden culmination of all these facts made me collapse in despair. I have made such progress with this business, and it feels like it can only keep going from strength to strength. But the tensions between how I square my personal life, my social life, and my economic interests, as a result of the circumstances I have, are just bewildering right now.

Ideally, the best solution from a business perspective would be to have a business partner who could engage completely in the business with me. Someone with whom I can plan together strategically, knowing we want the exact same thing. But that will not happen.

The best solution from a social perspective is for me to either make some new friends, somehow, and/or develop a significant other relationship with someone. And I just can’t see that happening either. Even that is bad, because it almost feels like I need an emotional crutch. Not too many girlfriends would be happy with that…

I could go on, but there are so many other problems this post could go on for at least 1,000 more words. What am I supposed to do?

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