Saucerhead

Up until about 4pm today, it was another run-of-the-mill, boring day.

Then the phone rang. The number on the display read “01727”… an area code which fills me with dread, for it is The Weird Man calling us again. The guy who is quite clearly sitting there with a tinfoil hat on to stop “them” from reading his thoughts.

I hate talking to him, for obvious reasons. We don’t know how to get rid of him, and if he wasn’t so stark ravingly mad, it would be very funny.

No, forget that. It is funny. It goes against my brain, which tells me I shouldn’t make fun of people who are quite clearly insane… but it is impossible to stop yourself when this guy tells you how, just by changing the locks on his house, he has successfully managed to stop his random bleeding from various parts of his body. Apparently, the magnetic waves they use to control us can be deterred by a simple lock change.

As a result, I try not to talk to this guy. But I felt like I had to today, as it was, sort of, my turn to.

“Good afternoon,” I say.

Silence.

“Good afternoon?”

An eerie voice replies

“Is that X’s office?”

“Yes it is. How can I help you?”

The diatribe began. He was very miffed that he had not received a reply to his latest e-mail (one of my colleague’s tends to wind him up a little with continuing replies, which doesn’t help) which had contained a considerable dossier of hilarious anecdotes from fellow tinfoil hat merchants. I told him that I was sorry that my MP hadn’t replied just yet as he was quite busy, but he was planning to tell him that he felt that he was unqualified to take up the case anyway.

This didn’t stop him. He launched into something new… and I couldn’t stop myself. I felt the smile raising on my face, and I burst into laughter a microsecond after I had hit the button to cut him off. I just couldn’t believe what I was listening to, and the bizarre situation I was in… while all my colleagues were sitting around me listening for what I was going to say. So, utterly unprofessionally, I spontaneously exploded into laughter, and now this guy was probably left wondering that they’d got to me too. It took me some time before I could stop control myself again.

Within 30 seconds he rang back… and my much more professional colleague dealt with the situation well. And yet the caller didn’t even mention the fact that I’d suddenly disappeared. I guess he’s used to it in his strange world.

The annoying thing is that this caller was originally referred to us by another MP. It seems to be the done thing to pass weirdos around, and we are often a target for various reasons.

But now he might be gone forever, as we’ve got our MP to sign a letter which effectively tells him we can’t help. I wish it recommended he go see a doctor, but I doubt he’d take any notice anyway. We’re all against him.

So that certainly brightened up my afternoon. As did another nugget of information that I received at the end of the day. Extremely amusing, and quite a turnout for the books. But alas, not something I can type here. I’m sure I’ll remember it when I look back on this in the future. Indeed, it is quite unforgettable. I hope.

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