In life, I feel like the motivation is sapping out of me. I went to a presentation and a couple of stalls at a fair on teaching today… and afterwards I came out with a determination to pursue a career in primary teaching. To be honest, I’d been thinking about this anyway, and it seems to have confirmed it. Only now, with the benefit of no more than a few hours hindsight, and after digesting all the material and how difficult it is to get on these courses to qualify to teach, let alone getting into a school in the first place, I once again feel like I’m not up to it…

Everything seems to be such an ordeal at the moment. I can’t get myself to do anything work related – and the looming essay deadlines of a few weeks time aren’t having an effect yet. I can’t see how such a person could ever be a teacher, which only then continues to discourage me from this path. Given the amount of experience they want, I’m now more than a little pissed off that I managed to talk myself out of applying for the Student Associates scheme that gives 10 days worth of experience in a local secondary school. I am an idiot.

I’m guessing I’m just in one of my many ruts. Well… I’m hoping that anyway. This now, of course, makes the summer decision much more difficult. I might actually find it much more useful, once I’m done with this hellhole for another academic year, to go into a few primary schools and offer some voluntary help.

That requires courage. That requires determination. It requires commitment.

I have a feeling that’s what I’m afraid of. I know if I take this decision, it leads to tonnes of consequences that will be difficult to reverse once I’m on the slope. Perhaps if I can utterly convince myself that teaching is for me, then I would not have a problem with came after it. It’s just that making that decision is so hard. It’s too adult for me. Once I make up my mind, I feel like that’s it and I’m setting out my life plan for the next 40 years. Of course it won’t be as simple as that, but I feel the metaphorical slamming of doors behind me as I choose to give myself direction in life, setting course for an unknown destination.

No longer can I say, “I could be anything that I want to be” and people couldn’t say “You can do anything if you put your mind to it” to me.

That’s probably what scares me.

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