Gone But Not Forgotten

It’s been a pretty lively week here, with some major contrasts between the good and the bad. I would like to have split this up into two posts, and I really should have posted something earlier this week so I didn’t end up in this situation, but I just haven’t found the time.

But now it’s Sunday, and another week is over. Currently, Hull is under a blanket of snow and it looks rather good. I wish I had a digital camera so I could keep a record of this moment… so I might ask my friend if I can borrow his for a time. The weather forecasts are for lots of snow over the next few days which will be the most I’ve ever seen if it actually happens. We had some snow back home on Christmas Day last year, and there was a lot of it. But I have never seen a whole week of snow. Could cause some major disruption. And some mega snowmen. 3 metres minimum!

My family come to visit me this week. It’s half-term back home so they decided to spend a week in a caravan site in Skipsea. It was great to see them, and we went on numerous day trips to places in East Yorkshire, including Beverley, Bridlington and The Deep in Hull, which I really enjoyed.

I find it really weird to see my family these days. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about them until I saw them all again. My mum had stopped phoning to only once a week, and it rather felt like the disconnection from home had been made permanent. According to my mum, my youngest sister told her that she didn’t see me as a brother any more. Just a “Hull brother”. I think that says a lot. Kids have a habit of coming out with the truth and can put things better than anyone else ever could.

It makes me wonder what sort of brother I can possibly be when living so far away. I know they all used to look up to me. I’m sure they still do. I never considered myself to be much direct help to them, although I will always regret that. I am a naturally emotive person. I like to talk about feelings. Yet it’s not the way in my family. We were sort of left to cope on our own… my dad is too embarrassed in situations like that, and it’s rubbed off on the rest of us. So our communication with each other was “implied”…

And now they don’t see me at all, there is no communication, either physically or implied. I’m very envious of my friends who seem to have much closer relationships with their family.

I can see my mum and dad had both missed me. And like I said, I mostly missed them, but only when prompted. I can get through the weeks often without really considering things back home. I was surprised at how easily I made this transition, and perhaps a little scared too. I don’t want to go back home, and this has quite easily become my home now.

But I think the main reason for that is because by seeing them I also started missing them more. It was hard to see them drive away at the end of the week after seeing them each day over the past five days. I had grown back attached to them, and its made the past couple of days more difficult than it should be. In my case, absence really doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. I like living my own life now – it’s one of the big things I like about being “grown up” – and when I see my parents it subconsciously puts me back into “parasite mode” – where I let other people look after me.

I don’t like that at all.

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