Oddity

When the main theme of your blog is dealing with a pretty shit life and a usual persistence of psychological trauma it doesn’t help when things go well and feel reasonably good. Yet, it should be something to celebrated.

So I am. For now, things are well. Today we had an inspection from the landlord, who was not at all pleased with the filth and general disgusting lack of cleanliness from my scum-sucking house mate – one of the sources of a lot of my misery for the past few months.

I knew they were coming today. They had given me notice. But I didn’t tell them they were coming. I knew if I did then they would get their room in order, including removing food that’s been on the floor for weeks and washing dishes that have been used once and never will be used again. I couldn’t let that happen.

I wanted some revenge. I wanted him to suffer, just a little, for the pain he has caused me.

I’m not normally a revenge person. But I’ve given this guy so many chances. Time after time I get it thrown back in my face because he can’t help but be so false and disingenious. He likes to pretend he is something he isn’t. I know he isn’t that. But he sure as hell likes to try, and in the meantime I put up with his disgusting behaviour because I’m so weak-willed I can’t find it within me to properly challenge him. Yet, I know that he is only acting in this way to try to get me to react, so I can’t. I get trapped, and then I start to implode with the feelings in my head.

I know I have no spine when it comes to issues like this. I just can’t do it. I don’t know what I fear, but I can’t stop myself from being afraid. I cannot find it within me to put a stop to it.

So it was nice to be able to turn things over to someone in a position of authority. It was great to see him squirming and having to bullshit lame excuses about the sorry mess on the spot. I enjoyed it.

And hence why I’m feeling pretty good right now. I think I’ll enjoy it.

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