It’s All In The Eyes

One of the changes I’ve noticed in myself over the past year is a sudden inability to look people in the eye.

I still do it, a little bit. But I am absolutely certain that I never used to have such a large degree of trepidation when I was talking to people. Even people I know, friends, family. I can’t look at them for more than a second before before I’m having to look away.

I think a large part of it is down to my collapsing self-confidence over the last year. Confidence that has been knocked again and again because of my continual feelings of inadequacy. That I’m not achieving the life I thought I would. That I was promised going to university and getting a good degree would set me down the path of a really good life.

Unfortunately, none of that has happened. It’s been, as I have chroniced tirelessly since June last year, a complete failure. I had such high hopes, and high expectations on my shoulders, and none of it has come to pass.

That must have taken its toll on me. I can’t even look people like my mum and dad in the eye for very long any more. They can be trying to talk seriously to me, but I can’t bear to look for long. I feel like I don’t want to acknowledge their presence. If they look me in the eyes for too long, I fear they’ll see right through me and notice that I’m, these days, incredibly close to tears at the plight of this ridiculous situation I’m in.

It might improve, but I’ve been saying that all year. My business has struggled badly since I moved away, which has been a major disappointment. I really thought that working with my housemate would make all the difference, but it hasn’t. It has gone nowhere. All his ideas and promises have come to nothing. I’ve had two customers here in nearly a month. That’s not going to sustain £700/month living costs.

So what am I supposed to do? As I’ve scrawled a million times before, I really want to run a business. I don’t want to work for other people. But maybe I have to.

But to work for others, and to get through interviews, I’d need to dredge up some confidence from somewhere.

And when you’re at rock bottom after 18 months of near inactivity, that’s pretty damn hard. If you can’t bear to look people in the eye, they’re not going to trust you. That’s difficult for me right now.

I’m going to give it till Christmas. Then I’ll decide what to do.

And Then There Was Internet

Though not in the way I might have expected it to appear…

It’s been a long while since I last posted. Two weeks, in fact. In all that time, I’ve been mostly sitting around, waiting for something interesting to happen.

It hasn’t.

It’s been a hard slog. The lack of internet has meant that every day I’ve had to trudge to the library to get my daily fix of social communication and news/opinion.

But now it’s over.

I have internet, of sorts. It’s through the wall into the neighbour’s house, as they’ve been exceptionally kind enough to let us use their connection while we wait for Virgin Media to install.

They were meant to do so on Tuesday, but, in a move that I totally expected, turned up and told me they couldn’t install. Something to do with the fact that, on this whole street, we are the only house for which there appear to be no connection on the path outside.

Talk about bad luck. Yet somehow I just knew it was going to happen. I had a similar NTHell problem when I tried to get setup with the service when I moved to London for a year.

However, this time they are coming back in two weeks to try again. In the meantime, someone is going to come out and install a proper connection outside the house, where it’s supposed to be.

When our neighbour heard of this plight, they took pity on us and lent us their wireless password. Very kind of them. Otherwise, it was going to mean another two weeks of tedium, wasting time in which I could be getting my business up and running.

And, by Christ, do I need it. My bank balance has taken an extraordinary dip with the amount of spending I’ve been doing lately. It seems the bills for this, that and the other just haven’t stopped coming. And I’m already having to consider next month’s rent payment. Nearly a whole month spent here already.

The bitter irony of all of this is that later on today I’m going back home for a few days, meaning I won’t really need the internet anyway. And it may turn out to be longer than a few days if I can’t think up some cheap way of getting back down South.

It will be good to get away from here anyway. I have to admit it’s not exactly been socially fulfilling lately. I’m already starting to get a bit annoyed with my housemate. That didn’t take long… but it’s because I’m so fussy over things. So it will be good to get a break from him. And I have missed my family a bit too. Especially the banter I enjoy having with my younger sister. I can’t watch The Simpsons – her favourite show – these days without thinking about her and the obsession she has with it.

Still. The transition to this new phase of life continues. I think I’ll get there in the end..

Dying Of Boredom

The level of boredom in the new house darn Sarf is such that I have actually decided to come back home for a few days.

And those few days could easily stretch to a week…

It’s good to home… but in truth, it’s just good to be somewhere with working internet. I knew I was reliant on it, but I didn’t think it was that much.

The move on the Saturday was OK. It was a little sad… and tears were shed by most of us, even my dad. They were tears that marked the end of an era, I think. I knew I would be back… and here I am to prove it… but during the week it has dawned upon me that “this really is it” and now it is entirely down to me to sort out my life. That never again will I truly live in the sanctity and safety of the family home.

Sunday was awful. It was spent spending over a grand in IKEA, travelling to and from the store, and then building the furniture. It still isn’t all built now. Luckily, my housemate was a lot better at the stuff than me, and so we managed to get through the important stuff, like a couch and the two beds, OK. Nevertheless, it was still incredibly frustrating and stressful.

Then the week began in earnest. No internet meant several trips to the library to use the exceptionally shitty computers there. Talk about basic. 640×480 resolution. Internet Exploder 6. Horizontal scrolling. Crashing. But it was my only connection to the outside world.

And one of the first things I did was order my ticket home!

The main problem is that it’s going to be two weeks before the internet gets set up in the house. Without it, I’m lost. I can’t do anything. I can’t do my political writings. I can’t keep in touch with friends. I can run my business. I can’t keep up to date with the world. Instead, I’ve had to go back to the dark ages, relying on Radio 4 (urgh, too pedestrian) and reading newspapers. So out of touch…

And then there was the lack of a fridge. We finally got one delivered yesterday, but in the meantime its meant having to go and buy every meal especially. And worse, having dry toast for breakfast. Not good at all. It’s also meant some rather eclectic meals, depending on what ASDA or Tesco were reducing that evening. Rocket salad. Nasty. Far too bitter for my tastes. But needs must…

We will get there. Right now I’m not keen on it. It’s a nice house, for sure… but I’m unsure about my housemate. He’s entertaining, but sometimes he tries too hard. Needs to relax a bit more. That puts me on edge. I want to try to enjoy my new house if possible.

Not the use of house. Not a home. Not yet, anyway.

Maybe once things settle down I’ll begin to enjoy my freedom again. After all, within minutes of me arriving back home I was already getting stressed out by the dog.

Still… there’s some work for me here. That’ll keep me busy, and escapes the boredom, sitting, waiting, wishing something exciting would happen. It was like the bad old days.

At least here, I’m occupied. And, even better, the work pays for this trip a couple of times over. Happy days.

Holding Pattern

So I’ve spent the last week considering very carefully what my next move in life should be.

The problems outlined in my previous post still remain, and are no nearer to being solved. In fact, each day they go on drives me just a little bit more insane. Will I ever see my passport again? What a stupid bastard I was to hand it over in the first place.

But there has been a modicum of success business wise lately. Yes, I can’t believe it either. I’ve sold three PCs, all about the same time. How can this be? How can people suddenly arrive with requests for PCs all at the same time? Life is very weird. But all of these orders have now been fulfilled… with only minor farce resulting from the delayed arrival of one hard drive.

Then, as I fully expect, all will return to silence again. The phone will stop ringing. The e-mails will not arrive. All that will be left is just me. Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. As Jack Johnson sang. Good tune that.

Over the weekend just gone I had a meeting with a friend of mine. It was mostly to talk business… because he and I have big plans in formation. I’m fed up with life here. He’s fed up with his life. It just so happens that our talents and plans have co-incided for the first time in our lives. He’s been made redundant. I’ve been sitting around doing naff all for well over a year. Perfect!

We think we may be able to do my business and do it properly. Combining beautifully with his new media talents. Oh, and his ability to drive. And some new territory. Up North, no one really seems to care about computers. Down South… well, maybe it’s more likely to be the Land of Milk and Honey. And silicon.

This plan would involve me moving down South. Permanently. Well, permanently if it works. If it doesn’t work I’ll be back home by the time six months is up. But I’m prepared to take this gamble.

I’m starting to feel old. I’m starting to feel like my opportunities to take big gambles with my life are shrinking. I need to be doing something productive with my time, something that is genuinely going to be able to make me live a life. A life that’s actually worth living. Not like now.

Perhaps the stresses of having bills to pay and obligations will focus my mind, make me work harder at it. Because I know full well that I’ve not really given this my all. Partly through not being prepared to risk much. But also my lack of transportation and not wanting to put more upon my parents.

That’s another reason why I have to leave. I really must get out from under their feet. I’m no bother. I help out a lot. But I need to move on. They understand. I’m too big for the nest now.

Let’s just see what happens.

Attempted Getaway

In the past few days my mind began to wander. It drifted to the other side of the Atlantic, thinking about the time I spent in the USA working for a summer camp. My mind tends to do this when I want to escape from my current conditions, and that thought comes around regularly at the moment.

It was at that point that I realised that maybe it isn’t too late to do the whole thing again this summer. Oh, how I wished I’d had this thought a couple of months ago. I went around, frantically e-mailing the few contacts I could get hold of over there, eventually getting the details of the one I wanted.

Then, the bad but totally expected news. No positions available. I’ve been desperately wanting to do the summer camp thing again, just one more time before the door shuts forever on it. But each year I’ve managed to contrive an excuse for not doing it. I should have done it last summer, but I thought I’d be too busy. I should have done it this summer, but I thought I’d have a job. You know, one of those things where you do work in exchange for money.

In my desperation I thought that maybe they’d still have one or two openings in there somewhere. But, as we all know, the recession is biting, especially in the USA, so I’ll bet they were inundated with applications this year. I know they would have had me back, but there’s nothing they can do about it if I leave it too late.

Briefly my mind had already drifted to what I’d need to do in the event I got the go ahead. I was thinking about the clothes I’d need, some new shoes, etc. You know me, always wanting to be prepared for any eventuality. I don’t know why as I knew there was no hope. But it was an entertaining diversion nevertheless. Lord knows I don’t get many of them these days.

Next summer, maybe? I’d be nearly 25 then. While there’s no real limit on ages in the camp I would go to, there’s a certain feeling in my head that if I haven’t got a full time job sorted out by then that there’s something drastically wrong with me. But then again, the months seem to go round so quickly at the moment. Day after day, ticking by with no hope, no prospects. I’m still desperately waiting for someone or something to give me a break, but once again, my latest attempt to fashion one out has failed miserably.

There will be no getaways this year. I suppose my life is one continuous holiday at the moment, so what could I possibly want to get away from? Such is the mysterious nature of the human existence. Boredom is a very powerful emotion, but I sure as hell have had enough of it now.

Escapism

Every day, for 10 to 20 minutes or so, I like to play on a little game called Animal Crossing. Well, it’s not a little game, as such… it’s well known across the whole world. But I play it on my DS, so it’s all “little”…

I don’t know why I still play on this game. Really, it’s a game that makes a game out of doing absolutely nothing at all. Ever. All you do, every day, is go on it, talk to animals, collect fruit and sell it, clean up the town, plant stuff. In other words, apart from the talking to animals bit, it’s a rather odd version of real life. Though I suppose I talk to animals in real life too. Well, my dog, anyway.

I’ve done almost all there is to do on this game now. A few things elude me, such as a massive bank balance in order to unlock the last few rewards, and getting the pictures of all the characters, but otherwise I’ve seen it all before. Everything all the same, every day. The characters have completely worn out their admittedly extensive phrasebooks. That just goes to show how much I must have played on it.

And still, I come back to it.

15 minutes a day isn’t much. And, of course, as someone with way too much time on his hands, I suppose I have to find ways to use it up somehow. Indeed, whenever I have been busy for the entire day, I tend to forget to go on it, and that causes much weeping if the consequence is that a character leaves the game without me getting their picture. Oh, what a life I lead.

But maybe the real reason why I like to keep coming back to it is just a simple form of escapism. My life is frequently dull and boring. These days, because of where I live and the fact that all my former friends around here have either moved away or I’ve lost touch with, I’m living quite a sad existence. If it wasn’t for my football hobbies, I would barely get out the house, such is the bad state of business at the moment. But of all the people I meet on my hobby, I would count almost none of them as friends.

So I’m living almost without friends right now. Sure, I keep in touch with my old friends from university on Facebook, but it’s not the same. I knew I’d miss the university life.

Perhaps then it’s little wonder that I find myself drawn to a simple game like this. For 15 minutes every day I can forget about real life and “live” an incredibly simple existence. Oh, how wonderful it would be to not have to worry about where my next piece of work is going to come from… and instead live out a life in a friendly small village where everything is just so… cosy. I think that’s the word I’m looking for. And there’s always stuff to do.

I think I’m going mad.

Treading The Boards

It’s not been a particularly good week for me. In light of recent events, I’ve spent most of my time wondering what I can do, what I should do, what I must do, and what might be a good idea to do. This has meant a lot of agonising and wondering what right I have to intervene. And how to do it without it being completely obvious that I’ve been spying…

In the event, I’ve done absolutely nothing. Yet. I’m keeping an eye on proceedings, and if it looks like the danger level is rising then I will take action. But there is still the small matter of the phone contents that needs to be resolved. Perhaps I’ll have to engineer a situation where I “accidentally” stumble upon it while I’m in the same room as him. 

So the wood laminate floors in here have been taking a beating as I pace up and down them thinking about things. My brain is churning up lots of things at the moment, moving from one item to another, seemingly in a state of endless excitement. It’s almost like I sense something is afoot. Something is round the corner. Something I keep denying myself. It’s putting me on edge, for sure. 

Maybe I’m just denying myself a life, something I’m now very conscious of the fact that I don’t seem to have one. I tried to do something about that this week when I decided that I really must take the plunge and give my business idea a go. So, early next week, I will take delivery of a contract mobile phone, which will allow me to run my business affairs separately. Got a pretty good deal too. The website is ready, the flyers have been designed, and I’ll stick an advert up in the local shop window. Then, it’s up to the good people of my town to suffer from a broken computer…

But I seem to have more energy than usual at the moment. I’m getting the urge to burn it all off. Since last year I’ve been doing at least some form of mild exercise each day, some press ups, sit ups, pull ups, a few weights, that sort of thing. Now, however, it doesn’t seem to be enough. I think I’m going to start going for a run every couple of days. Now that’s definitely a hostage to fortune.

There’s one other thing too that I’ve signed up for this week. Today, and Monday to Wednesday next week, I’m going to help out at my local school. They need extra support for putting on the school play, and, in my current inactive state, I was only too happy to oblige. I like doing that kind of thing anyway. Though it’s not quite treading the boards, it is scampering across them, moving scenery into place and making sure everything goes smoothly. I like logistical stuff like that.

Gotta be better than sitting here, anyway.

Mishmash

It’s been a bit of a nothingness over the past few days. After all the turbulence hinted at in my last post, since then very little seems to have happened. 

That, considering Christmas is around the corner, is a Bad Thing. I still have no idea what presents I’m going to get the members of my family, especially as everyone wants gifts that are too expensive for me. I normally spend an average of about £15 per person… meaning the whole shebang costs about £100 for me. 

This year everyone seems to want computer games or computer peripherals which generally cost small fortunes. Xbox 360 games in particular always cost loads of money. I sometimes con my brothers by buying a joint present as a 360 game, but that is never that well received because they are so hard to please. There aren’t many games that they both want… and I doubt it’s going to work that way this year.

But there was one bright spot last week. Though my self-employment ideas still rumble on, there’s no real reason for me to believe that I’m ready to go. I don’t have a toolkit for starters. And my website that I’ve made needs some photos to break up the text. Stuff for me to work on this week.

Anyway, the bright spot came from an unexpected phone call from my friend who occasionally sends me freelance work. It seems that he actually has something for me to do. Some paid work! Wow, I might actually get some money from somewhere. It’s writing some reviews of games, music and books for a website, so nothing too arduous… and I even get some free stuff out of it. Unfortunately most of it comes daubed with “Promotional Copy – Do Not Resell”… but maybe some of it will pass as a present.

In any event, it will be nice to get some cash. At least I’m going to be able to afford Christmas without spending my savings. Instead, the savings have finally made their way to a high interest fixed rate account, which seems sensible given the fact that by next year I’m likely to be getting absolutely no return on my money. No great loss really… nothing compared to what others are suffering during this recession anyway. Life goes on for me in much the same way as it’s always done, recession or no recession. No job, no prospects. Woo! 

I sit here at the moment next to the Christmas tree, which magically appeared over the weekend. My brother’s birthday was the other day too… it only seems five minutes ago since the last one. 2008 has absolutely flown by. Worse is the fact that this second half of the year, since I left university, has been a case of “busy doing nothing, working the whole day through” as my mum says. And yet the time has zoomed ever faster forward.

I’ve got to sort myself out very soon. But how many times have I said that now?