After New Year I had a good break, spending time relaxing, doing my own thing. Playing an awful lot of piano too. I really could notice myself getting better and better every day, but there’s so so much to learn, and it’s so difficult dividing your brain into two for the left and right hand. If you’ve never played piano, you won’t quite understand, but eventually there comes a point that clicks. Your brain just starts doing it after you practice it millions of times. Or seemingly millions of times.

But I suppose it’s like that with anything really. If you do it enough times, it suddenly slips into a subconscious part of your brain, and you don’t need to actively think about it any more. It’s like that with my business too. The work is not challenging any more. In fact, when a challenging and difficult job comes up, I really enjoy it. The jobs are all the same – which means it’s relatively easy, and sometimes doesn’t take me long any more. That can actually be a big problem when you charge by the hour…

The start of this year was supposed to bring some big developments with my business, but thanks to the slowness of the wheels turning when you’re trying to secure big business contracts, very little has happened. I am fortunate, however, that instead of worrying about it, I have been busy non-stop for two weeks since I got back. So after coming back from holiday feeling totally refreshed, instead I have exhausted myself really quickly and am already looking forward to the next holiday…

There was also not so good news either when I got a letter telling me one of my bigger customers has suddenly turned into a “creditor”. Not good. £843 they owed me, and I’m unlikely to ever see that again. Bastards.

About the only bit of non-work I have to report was on Wednesday, when I went to see the film War Horse. It was better than I expected, but very very mushy. It wasn’t a war film, but in its war scenes to did capture the essence of the effect of war on people very well. It’s a film about human relationships, really. Numerous tearful moments…

Then there is today. I’m sitting in a neighbour’s house some 10 miles away from the normal house. They’ve let me borrow it just to get away for 24 hours – which is very kind of them. It does work. I have had a little chance to sit back and relax, watch some TV, some DVDs, do a little reading, and a lot of eating too. Eating is a must, after all, and I have been so busy this week that I have missed tea on two days in a row. I just didn’t have time. Literally, 15 hour days of work.

And just when I feel like I’m getting on top of things, on Tuesday I’m going away on business for a week. Exciting, and interesting, a new web project… hopefully. But it’s not a guarantee, and it’s going to lead to me falling behind on the normal bread and butter PC repair work, again.

Anyway, enough for now.

After what must have been the quietest new year ever by my standards, it is time to look at where I might be going. What are the prospects for this year?

If I’m honest, I’m terribly worried. I have great concerns about the economy. If the Eurozone crisis finally bubbles out of control, it will have serious consequences for all. I’m expecting a pretty rough first six months of this year. I could already sense that I was getting less and less work as the year ended. New Year is traditionally a time to cut back after the excessive spending during the Christmas period. I fear that is what’s going to happen.

There is an answer. If 2012 goes well, it will set me on the right path for the next few years. There is a possibility afoot of large contracts, with big suppliers, in a new avenue of business. It is exciting but also unnerving as there’s just no way of guessing where it might go. I have a new business partner who is very keen, but also a shade unreliable. I am playing it cautiously. We’ll see.

On the other hand, if none of that happens, it might turn out to be a Ceiling Year. That is, the point at which you realise no more progress can be made, and you either have to accept it and live like a normal adult, or look, yet again, to unsettle yourself and take a risk. I don’t know, but I’m starting to get weary of wondering which way to turn.

In my personal life, I just don’t know what to do any more. I would like to see some development, but just can’t see how I can engineer circumstances to get involved with someone. But in reality I have to do something. I am not getting any younger. In secret, I would love to be a parent. Not that I have any useful genes to pass on, but from a selfish perspective I am starting to think it really is time I had a child. I think it would make such an incredible difference to me as a person. I know it would be hard work, but I think it would make me a more rounded, less self-centred individual.

But it’s all guff. It can’t happen without the necessary obvious prerequisite. And as I said, where that comes from I don’t know.

In a wider perspective, it is going to be a tough year for my family. My granddad is now reaching a point in his dementia that he is totally incapable of doing anything. He was here last night and cannot hold a conversation any more, though in his own mind he thinks he is. He doesn’t know who people are. My poor nan is being driven round the bend by him. She gets help, but she’s an extremely proud woman and doesn’t accept it easily. I know this is all going to place a massive strain on my mum. She was already pretty tearful yesterday.

Hopefully things will go well for my siblings and nephews.

Not much more to be said, really. Let’s see what happens…

First of all, the formal business. How was this year? Well – it was, I think, a Good Year. In spite of everything, in spite of the economy in the toilet, in spite of the difficulties of keeping our heads above water, it really was good. Business has been excellent, apart from a lull in the March to May area – but other than that it has been consistent, of increasing value, and spreading very well.

In normal times, I might well have called this a Very Good Year. But at the moment, due to my continued lack of a proper social life, I really must set the rating back a peg…

In terms of comparing against any of the benchmarks I set for myself at the start of the year (in this post) – there wasn’t really much there. I wanted my business to do well. That has happened and then some. Doesn’t mean it will sustain into next year though.

I did want to get involved in some sort of community thing, but that has gone west. I did make initial forays into being a school governor, but after all that I think I was right to not get involved. It is far too dry for me. My life is dull enough without having to fill it with reading checklists and meeting agendas. I’m slightly disappointed I didn’t find anything else though. I’m just too much of a Scrooge. Bah.

I was definitely right about predicting my housemate would start thinking of moving on. He did indeed get the big job move that I expected. He wasn’t moved out yet, but he is definitely considering it if the right circumstances appear. I wouldn’t blame him either. We haven’t exactly got on well this year. It’s funny how you can consider someone a friend right up until the moment you share a house with them!

What I have found most distressing of all about this year though is the fact that I have spent most of it looking rather vainly at pictures of myself from years gone by. Sometimes I can’t believe my face has changed so much in the space of two or three years. Looking back at Christmas photos the other day, I genuinely couldn’t believe that I looked so young just a matter of a few years ago. Is that what work does to you?

And then I begin to worry. Another year of life gone, another year without any progress on the significant other front! Mum likes to say I better get a girl before it’s too late. I definitely have less hair at the front of my head than I used to!!

But at the very least, it is another year safely and successfully manoeuvred.

In terms of the rest of the family, I would argue that some of us have had very good years. My elder sister is settled down, and my new nephew is awesome. He was here last night. And my other nephew is definitely doing a bit better than last year. He’s definitely doing better with the new situation.

But my remaining siblings are not faring so well. They just need a bit of luck on a consistent basis, but then again, they also need to work a bit harder. They have had tough years. So too has my youngest sister. She’s done OK, but the end of school days are proving very difficult for her.

So we move on. Tonight we aren’t having our usual party, but there will still be some family here and we will be having some drinks to celebrate the end of 2011 and think about what next year will bring.

More on that tomorrow. Until then, happy new year!

It was only a cold, and a pretty mild one at that, and I’m now over it. By tomorrow all the symptoms will be gone. At one point I was having to blow my nose every 10 minutes. Ridiculous, and painful. My nose is still sore.

It got me wondering where I got it from. I can only assume it began from a rather farcical attempt at work on Friday 23rd. I got up at 5am, allegedly on my way to a job that is some distance away. It was to be my last job before Christmas.

It didn’t work out that way. I hung around at my departure station for an hour before calling it a day. I knew there was a problem as soon as I arrived, because there was drunken people everywhere from the previous night. They’d been trying to board trains since the first one at 5:30am, but had been unable to due to signal problems.

I guess I must have picked up a bug during this time. Public places and public transport in general are always a danger for this kind of thing. It only takes one inconsiderate person not to cover their mouth when sneezing and the cold virus is released into the air. It’s a nasty thought really – because to catch a cold you have to get someone else’s mucus into your nose or your eye.

I gave up after an hour and decided to go home. I probably shouldn’t have done because it now looks next to impossible to get a refund on my train ticket. Train companies are a joke. I spent the rest of the day trying to find out the refund policy because I’d dared to pay with card. While I was at the station they were handing out refunds left, right and centre. In cash, of course. But they wouldn’t to me. I had forms. It was a joke. I got nowhere, sent from one person to another, no one wanting to admit liability. Fuck them all.

If I’d just got on the train at 6:45am like I was supposed to, maybe I’d have got away from the nasty bugs, and also done some work, and also earned some money, and also not cost me an extra train ticket. Boo.

I don’t actually think it was possible for me to get a bug from anywhere else either. Over Christmas (which was good, and is still going on in my head!) I didn’t see anyone but the usual suspects, none of whom are ill. The symptoms appeared on Dec 25 in the night – which would leave two days or so incubation. About right…

Anyway, that’s enough moaning. I’ve had a very relaxing few days, including playing Mario on the Wii, and enormous amounts of playing on the piano and the guitar. Social life is shit, but at least there is the family to annoy.

New Year… all that analysis and joy to come.

In 2004 – exactly seven years ago at this moment – I finally caved in to a temptation I’d had for years to start a journal of some sort. Back then, blogs were still new and not everyone had one. These days, apparently everyone has one, and so too do dogs, cats and other assorted creatures.

I think I probably write the same post every year at this point now though. It always go along the same lines – I can’t believe I have been disciplined enough to keep this going. There have been times when it’s been touch and go, but mostly I’ve been able to muster up enough inspiration to write something. I am really pleased I did because it is a wonderful history to refer back to.

I had always wanted to write a diary but never had the ability to. Not because I didn’t actually have a diary. I always did seem to have one for some reason. Probably because I was always one of life’s organisers. Not that I had anything to organise. I just used to like writing things in there. I have always been like that.

But then there was the other reason – because real life diaries are not secure! I could never have written in things that were about my life becuase I just couldn’t risk the problem that someone else could read it. I couldn’t be completely honest because who knows when my security could be compromised. And yet, I don’t seem bothered about writing it all in public instead! How weird…

So I didn’t bother. But I just wish I’d started earlier. I really wish I’d had a diary of my teenage years. Looking back, I find those years of my life the most fascinating. That was really when me as a person – or, as a personality – was formed. It’s when we really start to become ourselves, more than mere automatic reflexes to our genes and our environment. The actual point at which proper consciousness, proper ability to analyse and reason, makes us into who we are.

But I didn’t, so no point fretting now. One thing I would do though is encourage anyone who thinks they can to blog. It doesn’t matter that there might be people reading. Chances are no one is anyway. And even if they do, they won’t know who the hell you’re talking about. Plus, you can be pretty cryptic anyway. I am, all the time, if I’m referring to other people.

Meanwhile… back in life – Christmas is happening. I’m back at home, with my family, relaxing, work is switched off, and I’m having a good time. I feel a completely different person to the poor guy seven years ago. I am happier. I am a little bit more directionful. If that’s a real word. I’m still more lonely than ever. But that’s because I’m hopeless at communicating with Real People. Sigh.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. And I’ve only had one glass of Baileys!

Except for last night. Last night I had been invited to a house party. I had been looking forward to it for a while because I know the host well and there was also going to be free curry. Better still, as a vegetarian, she was going to make sure there was an option for me, rather than just eating poppadoms…

The funny thing was that my housemate had also been invited, as he also knows the host. We arrived about 7:30pm – and I proceeded to the bottle of wine I’d brought as I’d made sure I got a veggie one (yes, I’m that fussy). But I wasn’t very keen on arriving with my housemate as it almost makes it look like we’re an item, which we most definitely are not…

Anyway, it was as bad as I feared, getting introduced to people at the same time as my housemate, which was awkward. I know I shouldn’t be bothered, but it irritates me that people do make assumptions and I have to correct the record when people ask the inevitable questions. Not good. However, I did do so in the two occasions it was asked. The situation also benefited when my lightweight housemate decided he’d had enough after half an hour. Washout.

So I stayed until the end and got decidedly merry. I don’t really drink at all, so drinking a whole bottle of wine plus a bottle of beer had quite an effect on me. I wasn’t drunk, but I was definitely a lot more sociable than I normally am. This was good, as not knowing anyone else there except the hosts, it passed away the hours. They also had a table football, which was excellent fun, although it was in the garden and bloody freezing…

I stumbled home at around midnight as it wasn’t going to be a very long night anyway. I enjoyed it. I was in one of those moods though where if there would have been anyone females there around my age I might have actually started talking to them. I have felt a bit like that lately. The time is fast running out for me to get cracking on this relationship business…

In the event, that didn’t happen. Instead, there was much banter about age and the passing of time. It was quite distressing when we were all talking about the 80s. Not that I remember any of it, being born in 1985, but I realised that the 80s are no longer “20 years ago” as they had almost always been. They are now 30 years ago. I am showing my age quite badly…

Still, I was the youngest male there, so I got to make them all feel old. It won’t be long before the boot’s on the other foot…

Yet, I fully sympathise with them. When I was 22, my older-younger brother’s age, I had decided what I wanted to do with life. A year later, I had totally reversed my position. So I cannot say anything. And as far as my 17 year old brother and 16 year old sister go, I had no idea at their ages either. Who does?

But in those days it seemed less pressured. Back then, the economy was good, life was relatively stable and there was no reason to take an early decision. Why close doors when you’re so young? Why not just keep getting educated and give yourself room to breathe and think things through properly when you’re older and wiser?

That was always my plan. It didn’t really work, because it encouraged me to take a decision in panic. I am still glad I changed my mind about becoming a teacher. I don’t think I could have ever survived the pressure of the job, and children deserve better than that. But by not having any clue about what to do, I jumped at the first idea that came into my head. A wrong idea that could have led to me wasting two more years of my life – a life that is far too short already.

As such, I am not in any position to lecture my 22 year old brother. He too doesn’t have a clue, but has fewer options open to him due to a) lack of qualifications; b) lack of experience; c) lack of savings. Since returning from Australia in June, he has drifted aimlessly, with no job, no prospects, and an economy that has turned its back on people like him. But at the same time, he appeared unbothered by this, and happy to just let it all happen. The virtues of living off someone else’s back, perhaps. But that is a mean thing to say.

Fortunately, there has been some relief. Last week, on his birthday no less, there was a phone call from my uncle, telling us that his employer was recruiting staff on three-month contracts to work in a major bank. My brother, being the desperately unmotivated person he is, decided he was going to leave the phone call until the next day. My other brother, being somewhat different, decided to call right after he got home from college. 5 minutes later, he had an interview for the following day.

After much persuasion (and anger), Older Younger Brother took to the phone and secured an interview too.

To cut a tedious story short, they now both have jobs. They are short-term, but they could easily be renewed and there’s a very good chance that if they both show up on time, are diligent and hard-working, they will get permanent positions.

I am really pleased for them, but I remain concerned. Older Younger Brother has always been unwilling to engage with normality. He gets up when he pleases in the late afternoon. Fortunately for him, he has been landed with the afternoon shift, though he will still need to at least join the land of the living by midday. I really wanted him to get normal hours 9-5, so that he would finally join us in the Real World. But it is a very good start. I just hope he can find the motivation and self-discipline required, because if he doesn’t it will soon turn into yet another pressure on my parents.

As for Younger Younger Brother, my concerns are different. He is still in college. He is reaching a critical time when exams and the teaching are coming to a crescendo. I too had a job at his age, but only two shifts on Saturday and Sunday mornings. He, instead, will be working the evening shift every day. He is not an organised person, so I’m not sure how he will cope with having to spend Saturday and Sunday doing his college work – days (and nights…) when he normally does his own thing, off my parents’ expense, of course. I have a feeling he just won’t bother, and will end up with poor A-Levels, ruining any chance of going to university, and getting out of the trap that is home family life. I believe he’d be secretly happy with that, because I’m convinced he doesn’t want to go to university anyway.

No one should be forced into education, but I’m of the view that during these terrible economic times, the more you can do to not have to participate in this dreadful job market, the better. He is intelligent enough to go, but lacks the belief that it is “for him”. I understand as I felt the same way. But in the end, it really did do me the world of good as a person.

So it’s typical really. This has been a good week for them, and yet we (as in me and my parents) are still worried for them. The ball is in their court, and I’m glad they’ve had a bit of luck, but they need a lot more.

What’s making me slightly concerned at the moment is that there is a notable decline in the amount of the small jobs I do. Small jobs are good for cash flow. They happen quickly, and spread the word. But in the run up to Christmas, my suspicion is that people get computery faults and don’t bother to fix them, preferring instead to save their money for a new one.

We’ll see. But I’m definitely worried about 2012. The latest economic woes are not passing me by. The world is definitely getting more and more tight with money and rightly so. We all want to get value-for-money even in in the best of times, but these days it’s imperative. I know when people quiz me about the relative costs of repair they are weighing up the decision of whether to spend it now or not spend it and get a brand new one. This is particularly true of laptops, which cost so much bloody money.

And in the meantime, I’m still waiting for final news on my Big Contract. If that comes through, I won’t be too worried. But it’s all getting so depressing now.

Meanwhile, the other aspects of life are reasonably good. I am typing this at the moment from my home Up North. I haven’t seen my family in about three weeks, so this is nice, and it’s also very relaxing. In particular, it’s been nice to see my new nephew Nathan again, who looks so much different already. He’s nearly a month old and seems to be getting on OK. My sister and brother-in-law seem to be happy, although I sense that my other nephew is not particularly impressed with being edged out.

Overall though, it’s just good to get away for a few days. I’ll be back here again for a better break at Christmas, but the most important benefit is getting to switch off and do my own thing. For instance, yesterday I spent some time playing around with a software MIDI synthesiser trying to recreate a music track. It was the kind of fun thing I used to do but now just don’t have any time to do it. Physical distance from my actual “workplace” makes it so much simpler to feel less guilty about not working!

One final thought, it’s my brother’s birthday on Tuesday. He’s 22, and working 4 hours a week in a temporary Christmas job. I’m really worried about him, but he doesn’t seem too worried about his own position. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want helping. Hmm…

On a bigger level, there are some things which are optional, which if taken on single-handed can lead to a real sense of fulfilment at their completion. Maybe taking on the decorating single-handed. Or a good old-fashioned top-to-bottom spring clean. Or perhaps being the sole person responsible for organising a party. Yes, these things can be very satisfying.

Ultimately, however, they are limited in scope. To get bigger achievements, you need help. You need a network of other people, whether they’re friends, family, colleagues or other people with an interest, whether personal, emotional or financial.

It is such that my life at the moment is at this stage. I’ve moaned about waiting in the past. Waiting for things to happen. Waiting for others to decide. Waiting for others to act. But as you move through life you realise everything is like that. And always you think “if only everyone was as organised as me, then I wouldn’t have to wait…”

Well… maybe there is some truth in that. I am a pretty organised person. I always have been. From when I was a sad youth, doing my homework as soon as I got back so I could have the evening/weekend to me. Same was true in university, finishing my essays, tutorials, even my dissertation, safely before the deadline. And it’s always been true in my work life.

But now it has taken on a greater relevance to my life – because I am now relying on others to pay me. I have huge debts outstanding to a few clients, and I have to chase them to get the money they know they owe me. I also rely on others coming back to me, finding my service useful and good value. So far so good on that score.

There is a big project I’m working on at the moment that if it comes through will be the making of me. I need the mythical Others to hurry up and decide. Hurry up and get things in motion. Because I’m sick of thinking about it. Sick of wondering whether today will be the day they finally get back to me. I hate chasing people up to do something they really ought to have done by now, or really should have had the decency, professionalism or common courtesy to get sorted.

But there can be all manner of reasons why things don’t happen. And I’m not perfect either. Others are waiting for me to do things all the time. I just hope they don’t feel this way about me.

Betcha they do. Hypocrite warning.

Maybe there’s a reason for this. I guess I just don’t like other people really. Deep down. Might explain why I have no friends any more!

Little Nathan was born a little early, but not too much so that it matters. He was a healthy weight, and has a full head of hair. That’s quite typical of our family, and our rather unruly hair genes.

I had predicted all along that it would be a boy. I don’t know why. It just seemed that way. Turns out I got a 50/50 punt right. But what’s also amusing is that I picked the name Nathan if it was a boy some months ago. It stuck, we all liked it, and when I heard the news it was with some excitement.

News first broke earlier on the Wednesday, when my elder sister was getting ready for the labour after her waters broke. The day went by slowly. I was in London, eager to hear some news, but nothing came. I had some meetings, none of which turned out to be of any consequence, but the day dragged on.

It was about 11:00pm when I thought it was getting a bit silly, so I text my mum for info. It was then I discovered that they had finally gone the hospital and the new baby would be with us in the next hour. Bear in mind that I’m about 200 miles away from where all the action was going on. It was slightly sad to say the least. I asked them to keep me informed!

The good news then came half an hour later. All successful. All well. And a name. I was so tired I couldn’t stay up longer, but I had a bad night’s sleep. I had horrible dreams about it. I felt like something bad was going to happen. I really don’t know why.

Early in the morning I couldn’t bear it. I thought I would have received a text with some news, but nothing. So I text again, and a reply came back quickly. All was well. The mind really is cruel sometimes.

Fortunately, I was going home on the Friday for a few days. I really couldn’t wait. I was so excited to see him. I’m already an uncle, but I am hoping to make a better job of it this time, although I do wonder how much I will see this particular nephew due to how much I’m away, and the fact that my sister now has a much more settled life.

When I arrived it was everything I’d hoped. He is perfect. He is small and very cute. As always, the fingernails, toes and ears fascinate due to their tiny sizes. His eyes are lovely and his hair is amusing.  There’s enough there for it to be spiked up, which his brother likes to do for comedy purposes.

I held him for a bit, and he didn’t cry once. Babies do tend to sleep a lot, but it was OK. Gave my poor sister a rest!

The weekend then flew by. It was good to help out, welcome him to the family, and make sure my sister was OK. She’s done so well. I know it’s her second, but you never quite expect what’s to come. My brother-in-law also seems to be ready for the challenge. He’s usually quite well prepared on all these things and this was no exception.

I left today, and unfortunately the nature of how I left meant that I didn’t actually get to see him before I went. I feel a bit upset now. These moments are only here once, and in two weeks time I’m certain he’ll look totally different. Babies grow so fast anyway, but a lot happens in two weeks.

But no matter what I’m absolutely thrilled by his arrival, and I look forward to – hopefully – being another good role model to someone else! Hopefully lots of fun times ahead too.

Here’s to you, Nathan.